Jennifer Anderssen

poodle-standard_02_lg

I’m Jennifer Anderssen from Miami, Florida. I was looking for some artwork online and i found your contact while searching. I will like to purchase some of your work for my husband as a surprise gift for our 20th anniversary. Kindly send some pictures and prices of some of your other art which are ready for immediate purchase,I could be flexible with price. So I hope to hear a lot more about any available piece in your inventory ready for immediate sale. Thanks

Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for your message and interest in my work. I would be happy to help you find the perfect piece for your husband! Here is a list of what I have available right now. The images are all on my web site:

“Toenail Epiphany”
2016 oil on linen
36 x 46 in.
$1,100

“Dial ‘H’ for Hernia”
2016
oil on linen
36 x 46 in.
$1,000

“Warlock Wig Shop”
2016
oil on linen
36 x 46 in.
$1,200

Let me know if you are interested in one of these and we can move forward. I know where Miami is.

Best,
Jim

Thanks for getting back to me. I must tell you I intend to give my Husband a surprise with the immediate purchase of the piece. Also If you’d like to know that I’m relocating to the Dublin, Ireland soon and our wedding anniversary is fast approaching by March. So I’m trying to gather some good stuff to make this event a surprise one. I’m interested in the “Toenail Epiphany” piece, I’m pretty sure he will love it and Kindly get back to me with the firm price so I can overnight the check to you.

As regarding shipping, you don’t have to worry about that in order not to leave any clue to my Husband for the surprise. As soon as you receive and cash the check my shipping agent (who is also moving my personal effect) will contact you to arrange pick-up.

I would have come to purchase the piece myself but, at the moment, am on training voyage to the North Atlantic Ocean (I’m a ocean engineer) with new hires who are fresh from graduate school and won’t be back for another couple of weeks. I’ll look forward to hearing from you. Thanks

PS: In the meantime, kindly get back to me with your full name (you want the check payable to) cell phone no. and contact address (preferably for UPS not P.O box) where a check can be mailed to, so I can get the check prepared and have it mailed out to you right away.

Hi Jennifer,
Wow that sounds like an exciting job! I think I saw a movie about an ocean engineer once and Marky Mark was in it. Do you know him?

I’m so happy you have chosen “Toenail Epiphany” 2016, oil on linen as a gift for your husband! I think he will really like it, and it’s actually based on a true story. I can tell you about it sometime if you’re interested.

I just have a quick a question for you – do you need my home address or my studio address for the check to be delivered. Please let me know. Thx.

Your home address will be much more suitable

Hi Jennifer,
I apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I went out for sushi last night with my friends Chandler and Phoebe and oh my god, guess what we all went home with. That’s right – food poisoning! I feel bad for our cab driver, but I have a feeling we weren’t the only ones with tummy trouble last night, if you know what I mean.

In any case, here is my home address, just as you requested:
Jim Gaylord
Fake Address
Brooklyn, NY 11238

Have a great day!

I’m so sorry about that.

Thanks, Jennifer! I’m feeling much better now, but that’s the last time I’ll ever buy sushi off Craigslist. I guess I’ve learned my lesson!

Do you have all the info you need from me to send the payment?

Do you use paypal?

I thought you said you were going to send a check? I used to use PayPal, but I prefer not to now for political reasons.

Alright, i’ll stick to the check but you should expect it in 2weeks time as am currently in Germany. Thanks

Hi Jennifer. I’m confused. I thought you said you were on a training voyage in the north Atlantic Ocean? Please advise.

Yes i am. that’s how tasking my job is, i have to hire new recruits from germany

I see. That sounds like a pain in the arsch! I hope while you are there you can at least enjoy some Kartoffelgerichte.

I was actually hoping to make this sale happen a little sooner, Jennifer. I’m planning an extravagant surprise birthday dinner for my good friend Ross. I guess in this case I could use PayPal – but just this once!

Alright please get back to me with your Paypal Email. Thanks.

Hi Jennifer,
I just had a great idea. My studio assistant, Chauncey, has offered to let me use his PayPal account and that way I am not technically using PayPal, myself, so therefore I’m still standing by my ethical opposition to PayPal and its political interests. His email address is: Balbo_Shrooms1984@hotmail.com

OK? Please let us know when you have sent the payment. I’m waiting for an Uber to pick me up and take me to Bed, Bath & Beyond, but Chauncey will be here answering my emails.

Alright thanks

You’re welcome, Jennifer. Is there anything else you need?

Hello Jim
Am so sorry for getting back to you lately, i had a little issue with the mover, they said they can only schedule the pick up date and time after they receive their money for the pickup, shipping and delivery fee via MONEY GRAM money transfer in there head office in TX, and there is no way i can do that from here, due to my current location and work and to avoid any delay, i included $450 and $50 to the payment i sent to your paypal account,PayPal most have instructed you on how to get the money sent to my mover.They most have notify you through your personal email by now, please check both inbox and junk mail to read and understand the instruction.

Payment has been made and the money has been deducted from my account but a temporary hold has been placed on it by paypal prior verification.You are to follow PayPal verification procedure by sending the shipping fee to the mover name and address below upfront and send the transfer details to PayPal email customer care for your total funds to be credited. Let me know as soon as you complete the verification procedure with PayPal and when the total fund has been released to your account so we can fix date and time for pick up.Below is the mover info…

Mover’s Name: Peter Gomez
Address:9911 Whitehurst blvd Dallas, TX, 75243,USA

I hope to read from you soon.
Regards

Hi Jennifer,
I must also apologize for not getting back to you earlier today. I just got home from seeing a rock opera about Grover Cleveland on Broadway. It was awful.

Anyway, my assistant Chauncey went ahead and wrote me a check for the money you sent to his PayPal account. I think everything should be all set with that and I just need to deposit his check. He is away for the weekend at some kind of retreat in Costa Rica, so I won’t be able to reach him regarding the instructions from PayPal. Can we go ahead and move forward without them?
He also said he was going to be doing something called Ayahuasca. I think it’s some kind of South American dance like the Rumba, so he’s probably going to be too tired from all those dance lessons to write me back.

Please advise.
Jim

Jim,
Thank you for your response, well right now, you have to get the money for the shipper’s to them via Money gram or Western Union, and the Email me the scan copy receipt or email to paypal for verification, but i can forward it to them for a fast process, please get the $450 to the mover information and get back to me ASAP, then we can setup the best time for the pickup,hope to read back from you soon.

Thank you
Jennifer
– – –
Jim,
Thank you for your response, well right now, you have to get the money for the shipper’s to them via Money gram or Western Union, and then Email the scan copy receipt to either me or paypal for verification, but preferably me so i can forward it to them for a fast process. Thanks

Good morning, Jennifer. I received both of your emails which basically say the exact same thing. I guess you’re several hours ahead of me over there in Germany – I hope you took time to have your Frühstück today!

Well, I have read your instructions, but I have a little situation here. It seems my poodle, Brad, got into my toiletries last night and ate a whole tube of my hair gel, and then he threw up all over my electric guitar. What a mess! I have been spending the whole morning wiping up Brad’s vomit and I really don’t know what I’m going to do because I was supposed to have a guitar solo tomorrow at church!

I think I’m going to have to take my guitar down to the guitar repair store today, so that’s going to eat up a lot of my time. But please stand by and stay near your computer all day in case I am able to make it over to Western Union. I will do my best! Thanks for your patience!

Jim,
Please try and get it done as soon as you can, WU will not take much of your time. Let me know when you complete the WU. Thank you.

Hello Jennifer. I’ve been running around all day, first to the guitar repair store and then I got home and Brad was still throwing up Dippity-Do, so I had to take him to the vet. We just got home and I finally have a moment to look up Western Union locations in my area. I think there is one over near J Crew, so I am going to head over there now. Please stand by and I will get back to you ASAP!

Please do. Let know when completed. Thank you.
– – –
Jim. What is the current situation?

Hi Jennifer. Thanks for checking in. Brad finally seems to be feeling better. The vet said that after the first 24 hours I can begin to gradually reintroduce bland foods like pasta, boiled rice or even chicken, turkey and white fish. After having put Brad onto a bland diet, his bowel movements should gradually be restored, and after two normal stools I can begin to reintroduce his usual diet. First I will begin by adding to the bland foods some of the Brad’s normal food. Within two to three days Brad’s condition should have improved drastically and he should be able to resume his usual diet. If Brad’s vomiting and diarrhea do not abate with this treatment, I’ll need to consult with a veterinarian again. Prolonged dog diarrhea and vomiting can pose a serious risk and may even be fatal. I really appreciate your concern during this serious pet care situation!

My pleasure Jim, make sure you complete the transaction by heading to western union once again.

Do you know if I can send the money at Starbucks or Chipotle? It just really isn’t convenient for me to go all the way to Western Union and I don’t want to leave Brad alone in my house for too long, or else I’ll end up coming home to another vomit-party.

Or, do you know if it’s possible to wire money at Western Union on Sundays?

Hello Jim. Yes they do.

OK, great. I should be able to do it very shortly. Please stand by – I’ll get back to you soon.

Okay, i will be waiting to read back from you

About what?

At this point, i am cancelling the payment. Thanks.

Hi Jennifer. Why would you do that? Please advise. I would really appreciate a little more patience from you today, Jennifer!

I am running out of patience It’s either you make the payment today or i cancel it

I told you I would make the payment today after church. I already explained to you what happened to my electric guitar, and Pastor Dobbins is really counting on me to jam out those hot licks at today’s service. And it’s not my fault my poodle Brad turned into a walking hair-gel-puke-fountain yesterday!

Alright.Get back to me when you’re through with the payment ASAP

OK, thank you for your cooperation, Jennifer.
– – –
Hello Jennifer. I know it’s late for you over there in Germany, but I wanted to let you know I just wired the money to your mover, Peter Gomez in Dallas, so we should be all set.

Send me the scan copy receipt of the Transaction. Thanks.

Good morning. OK I will try to scan the receipt as soon as I get to the studio, but my assistant Chauncey is usually the one who uses the scanner and he just called out sick today. He said he was still throwing up from all the Ayahuasca he was doing. Those must have been some strenuous dance lessons! Will get back to you shortly.

Thanks for the update. Please it would be highly appreciated if you kindly forward the scan copy receipt of the Transaction, without much delay, as the funds will be needed to register and do all necessary paperwork for these goods prior to pick up. Otherwise there would be a late delivery which might affect the plans for my anniversary. As soon as they receive the funds from you, they’ll give you a call to make arrangement and schedule a convenient pick up time with you.

I understand, Jennifer. I wouldn’t want to delay the process any more than necessary. And I am sure you are quite busy hiring new recruits over there in Germany. How is that going, by the way?

We’re done with all interviews,all that remains is the selection process which is a very demanding task. Thanks

I’ll bet! But I’m sure you will reach a decision that is both fair and diplomatic. How long have you been an ocean engineer? Is it something you got into just by chance, or did you have some kind of ocean-related experience that led you into this field of work? Like witnessing an octopus attack?

24 years to be exact most spent in Chevron Inc, am currently with Makai Ocean Engineering

Wow that’s a long time! Do you spend a lot of time at sea? What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen? Have you ever seen anyone get eaten by a walrus?

i spend a lot of time on sea and i haven’t seen such. I have couple of experiences with killer whales and humpback wales.

Still waiting for the scan copy receipt of the Transaction

Yes, of course – sorry! Sometimes my mind wanders and I start daydreaming about things like the sea and walruses and tube worms, because I am an artist and that’s just the way my head works. So sue me haha!

I did my best to get the scanner to work and here’s the copy of the receipt. Let me know if you need anything else!

It is not opening you could take the picture with your phone

Oh gosh. I’m not sure how to send a photo on email through my phone. Let me call my assistant Chauncey and maybe he can walk me through how to do it. Sorry!

Am running out of time.

I am sorry, Jennifer! I know you have to get back to genetically engineering talking star fish. I just spoke to Chauncey and he is absolutely no help! He kept saying something about the universe being an eyeball that he could jump into and come out the other side and then he was made of eyeballs, or something like that. But I don’t know what that has to do with scanning something on the computer, do you? Have you ever used a Hewlett Packard all-in-one scanner?

Can’t you just ask Peter Gomez if he got it? What’s the big deal?

Not at all, i have a secretary who takes care of that. what is the solution as i am running out of time. i need the slip to confirm that you actually paid it

I already told you I paid it. Are you implying that you don’t believe me? This is outrageous! You are the one who contacted me in the first place. I am so outraged right now that there are clouds of steam spraying out of my ear holes!

Alright Jim can i get the MTCN number. That is the only solution right now, get back to me with the MTCN number. sorry if i sounded rude.

I don’t even know what the MNCT number is. Is that like my social security number?

The MTCN-Money Transfer control number is the number on the slip. The 10 digit number on the slip

OK, well actually the transfer receipt no longer exists.

How is that possible?

I mean it exists, but probably not in the way you’re thinking, unless you’re thinking it’s inside my dog Brad’s stomach, because that’s where it is. He is such a bad dog.

So I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it, won’t you?

I have nothing to say to you. Thanks for the trouble.

You’re welcome. It was my pleasure.

Benjamin Cook

bee

Hello, How are you doing? I came across your contact while I was searching for artist and his/her works through Google and I would like to ask if you have any piece available for sale? The price range is $1,000 -$10,000 I’ll look forward to hearing from you. Thanks

Hello Benjamin, I’m doing fine, thank you for asking. Yes, I have several pieces available. Is there one you saw on my web site, or do you want me to suggest a few for you to consider?

Best,
Jim

Thanks for getting back to me. I must tell you I intend to give my wife a surprise with the immediate purchase of the piece. Also If you’d like to know, I’m relocating to the Dublin, Ireland soon and our wedding anniversary is fast approaching by January. So I’m trying to gather some good stuff to make this event a surprise one. I’m interested in the piece Major Merger I’m pretty sure she will love it. Kindly confirm the price so I can overnight the payment to you today

As regarding shipping, you don’t have to worry about that in order not to leave any clue to my wife for the surprise. As soon as you receive and cash the check, my shipping agent (who is also moving my personal effect) will contact you to arrange pick-up.

I would have come to purchase the piece myself but, at the moment, am on training voyage to the North Atlantic Ocean (I’m an ocean engineer) with new hires who are fresh from graduate school and won’t be back for another couple of weeks. I’ll look forward to hearing from you. Thanks

PS: In the meantime, kindly get back to me with your full name (you want the check payable to) cell phone no. and contact address (preferably for UPS not P.O box) where a check can be mailed to, so I can get the check prepared and have it mailed out to you right away.

Hello Benjamin, or should I say “Ahoy”? I hope all is well out there in the Atlantic Ocean!

Thanks for your interest in my painting “Major Merger” but unfortunately, that one isn’t available. It’s actually in a really interesting group show right now called “Alternative Facts” (great title, right?) and I can’t get it from the gallery in time for your anniversary.

Would you be interested in another painting, such as “Chipotle Resurrection”? It’s basically the same as the other one, except there’s a part that looks a lot like Jonbenet Ramsey in the lower left hand corner.

The price is $2700, so let me know if you are interested in that one! Thanks, and take care out there.

Best,
Jim

Good to hear from you. I’m interested in Chipotle Resurrection can you send me some pictures please?

Sure, here’s a picture of “Chipotle Resurrection.” I think your wife will like it even more than the other one. Let me know what you decide!

(insert pic of one of my paintings, not titled “Chipotle Resurrection”)

OMG! I love the piece and I would be glad to purchase it at the asking price 🙂 Kindly get back to me with your full name, address and cell phone # so I can send out the check today. Thank You

I’m so glad you like it, Benjamin! And I hope your wife likes it, too. You mentioned your anniversary is in January – does this mean you’re late buying her a gift? I sure hope you’re not in the doghouse, if you know what I mean haha!

– – –

I am sorry for that last message, Benjamin! I know it is none of my business. Please let me know what information you need from me so we can proceed with the sale of “Chipotle Resurrection.”

Hi Jim. I am sorry for just getting back to you now. Yes the anniversary was supposed to be in January but it was shifted to March now. Get back to me with the information so that the payment can be mailed today.

So you postponed your anniversary because you’re on a training voyage at sea? Great idea. I once postponed my annual Easter egg hunt because I broke my coccyx in a terrible water sports accident. What a fiasco!

What information do you need to send the payment? I just need to know whether you want my home address or my studio address? Please advise. Thx.

Yes the anniversary was postponed… I would prefer your studio address… Your full name, address and cell phone #

Too bad you couldn’t have put your wife in a suitcase and brought her on board with you! Did you consider doing that, Benjamin?

Here is the information you requested for sending the payment:
Jim Gaylord Studio
349B Waverly Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11238 (425) 778-0050

All the best,
Jim

Hahaha funny you.. I’ll try that one day

I was being serious, Benjamin. By the way, I will be out of the studio tomorrow, so my assistant, Pepper, will be answering my emails. Please direct all of your inquiries to Pepper. I need to repair one of the hives at my bee farm. Thx.

– – –

Hello Mr. Cook,
This is Pepper, Jim’s studio assistant. Jim is out today, but he asked if you could send a tracking number for the check so we know when to expect it. Thank you.

Pepper

– – –

Hello Mr. Cook,
This is Pepper again. Jim is in the hospital today as there was an accident at the bee farm this weekend and he was stung on his coccyx. I think he will be back in the studio tomorrow, but I will let you know. I have to go out now and buy him some ointment.

Is there a tracking number for the check? This is the second time I have asked for this information.

Good Day,
Pepper

Good morning to you. How was your night and your beautiful day going? I am so sorry for just getting back to you now. The mail would be deliver to you latest by Thursday. Here is the USPS tracking # 9405501699320109376283 Kindly look out for the mail and keep me updated. I’ll look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers
Ben

Good morning, Mr. Cook. It’s Pepper again. My night was fine, but I had a weird dream that Jim and I were living on a farm together and I accidentally ran him over with a lawn mower. I wonder what it means.

Thank you for the tracking number. I will monitor the progress and keep you posted.

Jim is still in the hospital and it turns out he is allergic to bee stings, so I will be handling this transaction unless he recovers unexpectedly. But I went to visit him last night, and let’s just say he probably won’t be back anytime soon.

Best,
Pepper

Hi, Thanks for getting back to me. And I am sorry to hear about Jim, I hope he gets better real soon. As for your dream you have to be very careful so that the dream won’t come to past. Would you to be able to handle the transaction since the check was issued in Jim’s Name. I’ll look forward to hearing from you. Thanks.

Do not worry, Mr. Cook. I don’t even have a lawn mower haha haha ha. But there is a blender in Jim’s studio that has a really sharp blade. Hmm…

I am happy to handle the transaction in Jim’s absence, and I can even bring the check to him at the hospital so he can deposit it online with his phone.

I’m working on administrative projects here at Jim’s studio this week, so I can also prepare the painting for you. I believe the one you wanted is called “Chipotle Resurrection.” Is that correct?

Pepper

That is correct… You can deposit the check at the ATM or take it to bank and have it deposited in Jim’s account and the funds will be available immediately.

That sounds easy enough.

By the way, what does an Ocean Engineer do? It sounds like an interesting job. I’ve always loved the ocean, especially tuna fish sandwiches!

Pepper

Hi Pepper,
Their isn’t much to tell about my job As an ocean engineer We responsible for the design, plan and development of devices used by oceanographers and marine biologists. Using both engineering principles and a knowledge of the ocean environment, we create instruments that can stand up to being submerged in salt water, withstand storms and stay at sea for long periods of time. We also fix and maintain equipment.

Ben

You’re right, that sounds really boring. But all I get to do as Jim’s studio assistant is answer the phone, pick up his dry-cleaning and organize his dumb slides, so it’s not much better. Who still uses slides anyway?? I’m looking forward to the day I can quit and go on a Caribbean Cruise or something…

Pepper

– – –

Dear Mr. Cook,
I tracked the check you sent, but for some reason it couldn’t be delivered. What should we do? Jim is still in the hospital. Thx.

Pepper

Thanks for getting back to me. I just tracked now and I realize that USPS was unable to deliver to the Studio address that Jim gave to me. Here is the address that the check was sent to 349B Waverly Ave Brooklyn, NY 11238 You can call USPS tomorrow morning and and ask them to reroute the mail to the alternative address or you inform them that the mail will be picked up at the nearest USPS facility. Thank You

Good morning, Mr. Cook. I will go to the post office today and see if they have the check, but first I need to pick Jim up from the hospital. I’ll let you know when we get back.

Pepper

Hello Pepper,
Good morning to you. How is Jim and I believe He’s better now? I just tracked the mail now and it says that the customer has requested that the Postal Service redeliver this item is that true? I need you to get back to me ASAP, have the check deposited today and it will get cleared between 1-2 business day but in some exceptional cases it could get cleared instantly. And as soon as the fund is available deduct the due amount All you have to do is to visit any WELLSFARGO branch and make a cash deposit of $3,000 to the shipping agent information below:

Bank Name: Wellsfargo
Bank Account Name: Janice Shaw
Account #: 8255822424 Routing #: 064003768
Recipient 1700 Florence Road, Savannah TN 38372

And get back to me with the copy of the deposit slip ASAP so I can forward it to the shipping in order for them to schedule the pickup date and time.

Cheers
Benjamin.

Hello, Mr. Cook. I guess it depends on what you mean by “better.” Let’s just say that you don’t need to worry about Jim anymore.

Yes, I have requested that the check be redelivered, but I still have not received it. It should arrive either today or tomorrow and I will you know as soon as I get it. You can be sure of that.

Pepper

OK no problem… Let me know as soon as you receive it.

Hello Mr. Cook. I hope you are having a wonderful International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day so far!

I just went to the post office and they said that the check has been returned to you because it was not deliverable as addressed. I did some detective work and discovered that Jim mistakenly gave you his old home address, which is why the postman was confused. No one lives there anymore, and it is actually an artisanal vaseline store now.

Please resend the check to this address and I will be sure to sign for it, myself:

Jim Gaylord

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Brooklyn, NY 11205

Thanks,
Pepper

Hello Pepper,
How are you doing today? I just want to inform you that the check was overnight-ed and you should receive it today. Here is the tracking # 9470101699320029508630 and I would like you to keep me posted as soon as you receive it. Thank You

Thank you, Mr. Cook. I will certainly keep an eye out for it today. By the way, how is everything out there in the North Atlantic?

Have you ever been to the South Pacific? Have you ever seen the musical “South Pacific”? I’m sorry to bother you while you’re probably working. I’ve just been so lonesome around here since Jim has been… gone.

Pepper

Hello, I’ve been pretty busy and I’m sorry for just responding to your email now. Yes I am still at North Atlantic. I just tracked the mail now and it was delivered to your mailbox today by 7:08 pm March 1, 2017 Kindly confirm the the receipt of the mail. Thank You

scammer_check

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

The mail was delivered to the address have you received it?

Who is this?

This is Benjamin Cook. I don’t seems to understand you guys… Am I communicating with Jim Gaylord or Pepper?

This is Pepper.

OK, I’m Benjamin Cook who is purchasing Jim Gaylord works “Chipotle Resurrection.” And you’ve been communicating with me for the past few days now so why are you talking to me as if you talking to a stranger?

The payment was delivered to this address: Jim Gaylord XXXXXXX. Brooklyn, NY 11205 And you are to take the check to the bank today and have it deposited. The funds will be available immediately, deduct the due amount remit the overage to my private mover. Please I would like to talk to Jim also.

I am afraid that will not be possible, Mr. Cook. You know, I could go somewhere real nice with $5,700. I’ll bet the South Pacific is lovely this time of year…

Why not possible? You better start running now. I’ll find you

It will not be possible for you to talk to Jim because he is sleeping – and he will be for a very long time! Ha Ha Ha!!

You must be mad

– – –

Benjamin, this is Jim Gaylord. I’m writing to you from the hospital. Pepper changed the password on my studio email address and I can’t log in. Has she been writing to you? Don’t trust her!

Hi Jim, I’ve been in touch with Pepper for the past few days and I don’t seems to understand her. The check was delivered to your address yesterday at Jim Gaylord XXXXXXXX Brooklyn, NY 11205 I sent her email this morning to confirm if she has the check instead she was acting up as if we never communicated. Thank You

She has the check of $5,700 in your name…. $2,700 for the piece Chipotle Resurrection and $3,000 for my private mover who will be handling the pickup of the piece and shipping of my personal effect to Dublin, Ireland.

You mustn’t trust her! She came to the hospital several days ago to see me – she walked in dressed as a nurse and she was holding a hypodermic needle. I just woke up this morning and my blackberry was gone, so now I’m writing to you from a friend’s laptop. I called the Studio Assistant Referral Service (SARS) and they’ve never even heard of her!

She has been communicating with me for the past few days and also you recommended her that you won’t be able and she’s the one that will be responding to my emails and since then she has been in touch with me. Right now she has my check of $5,700.00 How am I going to get the piece and $3,000 to my private mover that will come for the pickup of the and shipping of my personal effect to Europe?

I am going to try to find out where she is. I am so sorry about this, Benjamin. It’s just so hard to find good help these days. I will update you on the situation shortly!

Check your bank account online and see if she has deposited the check. Maybe she has your credit card, atm and other access to your internet banking. She must be a crook.

I think you’re right! I should have known something funny was going on, the way she wore a ski mask to work everyday and refused to take it off. I will check my bank account now.

She must have cashed the check using your ID because the check was sent at first but she was unable to receive the mail and it was resent again and delivered to your address yesterday.

I think you may be right! I just checked my wallet and my license is gone. She must have grabbed it while I was unconscious. This is simply terrible!

That’s terrible

Did she say anything to give you any clue where she was going?

I have no idea… I knew nothing about her you said she’s your partner

It is my own fault for being too trusting. If I had only seen the red flags. I feel like I’ve ruined your anniversary, Benjamin!

And now that I look back, I don’t even think that was a bee that stung me – it was Pepper in a bee costume! I knew that bee looked too big to be real!

Stephen Estes

img

Ghost-writing for Don Voisine

Morning,

I am Stephen and i need your services as a Artist,want to make a surprise gift for my wife birthday who really love Contemporary painting.Are you an abstract,nature or figurative artist get back to if you are available so we can proceed.

Awaits your favorable response.

Regards,
Steph.

Good Morning, Stephen.

Thank you so much for your message, and I’m so pleased you are considering purchasing one of my works for wife birthday. I used to be a nature Artist but now I’m a abstract Artist. I think wife will really like my Art because it’s really festive and colorful. Would you like me to send you some suggestions to consider?

It looks forward to hearing from you.

Warmly,
Don

Yes send me some suggestion and let me pick.

Absolutely! I will send a list of available works shortly.

But first, do you go by the name “Mary” or “Stephen”? I am sorry if I misunderstood from your previous message.

I hope you are having a wonderful National Butterscotch Pudding Day!

All the best,
Don

Stephen and i will be waiting for it.

Oh, so you are Mary, Stephen’s wife? I apologize for my confusion.

I thought the painting was going to be a surprise, but I certainly can’t blame you for wanting to pick out your own birthday present. There’s a lot of ugly  art out there- am I right Mary?

Am Stephen and i just use my wife name Mary in my email.

OK, no problem at all! I also sometimes refer to myself in the third person. My friends think I’m a nut, but they’re all philistines.

Here is a list of available works you may choose for wife birthday. There are images on my web site, which I’m sure you have already seen:

“Emergency Omelette”
2015
60 X 32 in.
oil on wood

“Taco Pocket Revelation”
2015
60 X 32 in.
oil on wood

“Armpit Crystal Odyssey”
2015
60 X 32 in.
oil on wood

“Permanent Smurf Hat”
2015
60 X 32 in.
oil on wood

All of these paintings are $4,200 plus shipping. Please let Don know if there’s one you think Mary would like best.

Sincerely,
Don

Can you send me in picture also i will send 50% deposit first and remaining when am back

The pictures are all on my web site. Where are you going? Anywhere interesting?

Best,
Don

I dont have your website

Oh sorry. Here it is:
http://donvoisine.com

I don’t know if my assistant, Chauncey, uploaded the images of the works I mentioned, but the ones on the site are all available, so just let me know which one you want for wife birthday. The price is the same for all of them: $4,200 plus shipping.

Best,
Don

I like this and I work as humanitarian and volunteer so i do travel a lot presently i shuttle between Nepal and Australia to help the victim of Earthquake and fire but am due to be back by October and i want you to get it done prior to our arrival,You will get a deposit of 50% and when am back you will get the balance.

“Armpit Crystal Odyssey” 2015, 60 X 32 in. oil on wood

Wow, that is really impressive! It’s great that you are doing this important, charitable work in Australia and Nepal. If I may say so, Mary sounds like a lucky lady to have such a generous husband, and to be getting the gift of Contemporary Art for wife birthday.

I am pleased you have chosen “Armpit Crystal Odyssey” 2015, 60 x 32 inches for Mary. I know she will like it a lot. Please let me know how you would like to proceed with the transaction.

All my best,
Don

So let me know the total cost and payment will be through check.

Will do, Stephen! How do you want me to ship the painting, “Armpit Crystal Odyssey” 2015, 60 x 32 inches? FedEx? UPS? I will have to get a quote from the shipper to calculate the total price. Also, for my records, is your last name the same as your wife’s?

My last name Estes and i can have it pick up from you place also how much is the painting

Ah, well I was wondering if you and your wife had the same last name because that would make you Stephen Stephens!

The cost of the painting is $4,196.13 USD, but that’s negotiable. I am trying to get rid of a bunch of artwork in my studio so I can install a large-scale jungle gym for my cat, Brian. So let me know your best offer.

I told you my name is Stephen Estes and i just use my wife name in the email and is there a problem with that,am willing to go by $3800 and you will get a deposit to reserve it and balance before October 30

No, Stephen, of course there is no problem. You only told me your first name, however, and your email says “Mary Stephens” so I just wondered if your name was Stephen Stephens. I’m very sorry if I upset you. I will make a note that your last name is Estes. 

$3,800 seems like a fair price for “Armpit Crystal Odyssey” so you have a deal. I’ll start packing it for you to pick up, and Brian will be very pleased to know he is getting his jungle gym. A check will be just fine. What could possibly go wrong?

Best,
Don

Ok and you will get a deposit of 50% now so send me your name and address with direct cell number where the check will be mail to.

My name is Don Voisine! You contacted me don’t you remember?

I know but i need to know which name you want on check maybe company name and address where it will be mail to with cell number.

Am waiting for your details.

Hello, Stephen. I apologize for the delay, but I’ve been dealing with an absolute cat-astrophe! I was making some hilarious videos of my cat Brian riding a Roomba, but then it short-circuited and Brian’s tail caught on fire. I had to take him to the vet and have been there all afternoon. Brian has to wear a cumbersome bandage on his tail and he hates it. He says he’d rather they had just cut it off. Ugh.

In any case, below is the address where you can send the check:
Don Voisine
Don Voisine Art Studio
47 Hall Street
Brooklyn, NY 11205
+1 347-731-XXXX

Please let me know if you need anything else!

Namaste,
Don

– – –

Did you receive my address? Here it is again in case you accidentally deleted it or something:
Don Voisine
47 Hall Street
Brooklyn, NY 11205
+1 347-731-XXXX

Blessings
Don

I got it.

OK, fantastic. Well you need to let me know if you’re still interested in the painting because I have someone else from Mississippi interested in it. I await your reply.

Don

– – –

Do you still want the painting? The painting still wants you.           

Morning,

How are you doing today, guess fine? It was brought to my notice by my sponsor that the check has been sent to you but there was a mistake with the amount on the check, the amount on check is $6500 so when you receive it go ahead and deposit it and after your account is credited you will take the $1900 the total cost i will give you instruction on how to send the difference.

In spite of this, The difference will be deposited into the party organizer for my wife birthday which is a surprise and i will really appreciate if you can do this for me,as i told you am away helping the victim of Earthquake in Nepal and fire in Australia.

I don’t want us to waste time so proceed when your account is credited. Am sorry for the inconvenience this might have cause you.

Awaits your mail soonest.

Hello, Stephen. I guess I’m doing ok, I guess… considering what happened today. I was taking my cat, Brian, to PetSmart to let him pick out his new kitty jungle gym and while we were there he was bitten by a Maltese Shi-Tsu mix. And guess where it bit him – yep, right on his tail, which is all bandaged up from the Roomba accident.

Well that just sent him into a total frenzy and he knocked over a cage full of hamsters and the next thing you know they’re running all over the store and Brian is chasing them, along with all the other customers’ pets. Fortunately I was able to grab Brian and get him into the car but then he was still so freaked out that he jumped on my head and scratched me up pretty bad. I just put neosporin all over my face and now I look like a glazed donut. 

Anyway I’m happy to send back the extra money your silly sponsor sent. Jeez what were they thinking? But don’t worry I will handle it. I’ll look out for the check and let you know as soon as it arrives and everything will work out so you can still keep the surprise for wife birthday.

Ok i will give you account in which you will deposit the difference to in cash.

I am very much looking forward to doing that.

Hey Stephen,
Do you know when the check will arrive? Have to take my cat back to the vet this week and don’t want to miss it.

By tomorrow or wednesday

Great, can you tell me whether you sent it through FedEx, UPS, DHL, or ASS? I need to post a note for them to call me and I want to make sure I put the right thing on there. Thanks.

What ASS? And they will deliver to you.

American Shipping Service. It’s new.
– – –
I’m still waiting for the check. Did you send it yet?

I will check with USPS and get back to you

fbiwleahli  wubhgwrn gwno hwfuir
vhwauivh fhi meow
– – –
I apologize for that last message, Stephen. My cat, Brian, walked across my computer keyboard while I was out of the room dressing my head wounds and he somehow pressed the “send” key, too! He must be pretty smart!

By the way, are you still interested in the painting?

Stephen Estes – Part II

acorn

Writing as myself, responding to a message that was sent to someone else.
Morning,
I am Stephen and i need your services as a Artist,want to make a surprise gift for my wife birthday who really love Contemporary painting. Are you an abstract,nature or figurative artist get back to if you are available so we can proceed.

Awaits your favorable response.

Regards,
Steph.

Good morning, Stephen. I apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I would be happy to offer my services as Artist to you. What kind of Contemporary painting does your wife like?

Have a wonderful day,
Jim

Thanks for your email and i want to to make something like this for my wife as a birthday gift.I work as humanitarian and volunteer so i do travel a lot presently i shuttle between Nepal and Australia to help the victim of Earthquake and fire but am due to be back by October 30 and delivery will be in November.I want you to get it done prior to our arrival,attach to this email is am example of what i want and i dont want you to copy it just make something similar to it.If you are willing to take the offer kindly get back to me with the total cost and am ready to make a deposit of 50% for you to start the job.

images

Hello Stephen,
I love this image. It’s so festive and colorful! I’d be happy to do something in this style for your wife’s birthday. What size do you want? I will base my price on that.

Best,
Jim

236 × 472

Got it. Is that inches or centimeters? I don’t see how you could ship something as large as 236 x 472 inches!

I want it in centimeters so let me know the total cost.

That’s still 15 feet x 7.75 feet. How do you intend to ship something
this large?

My bad i dont is that large make it 3 feet by 4 feet.

Ok that would cost around $1,200. Is that ok with you? How did you find my work? On the internet?

Ok but can i pay $1100 and payment will be through check and i will need your name and address with cell number also i got your details at artist directory.

That sounds just fine. By the way, do you also go by the name Mary? Your email address says Mary Stephens.

Mary is my wife name which i use in my email am Stephen Estes,awaits your details.

OK I was a little confused, but that makes total sense.

I would have written you back earlier but I was at my daughter Mhavrych’s school performance last night. She played an acorn in her elementary school pageant and it was absolutely adorable. Unfortunately, when we were on our way home, Mhavrych was bitten by a squirrel and we had to go to the hospital to get her a rabies shot. I think we got there in time, but you can be sure that I will be keeping a close eye on her over the next few days for any sign of rabies!

In any case, below is my address where you can send the check:
Jim Gaylord
393 E Franklin Ave
Minneapolis, MN 55404

Please let me know if you need anything else!

Best,
Jim

OK and i need your direct cell number.

Sorry about that. It’s 612-591-XXXX

Good morning, Stephen. Do you have a tracking number for the check? I need to run out and buy some antibiotics for my daughter Mhavrych and I don’t want to miss the delivery. Thanks a bunch!

Morning,
How are you doing today,guess fine?. It was brought to my notice by my sponsor that the check has been sent to you but there was a mistake with the amount on the check,the amount on check is $5800 so when you receive it go ahead and deposit it and after your account is credited you will take the $1100 the total cost i will give you instruction on how to send the difference.

In spite of this,The difference will be deposited into the party organizer for my wife birthday which is a surprise and i will really appreciate if you can do this for me,as i told you am away helping the victim of Earthquake in Nepal and fire in Australia.

I don’t want us to waste time so proceed when your account is credited. Am sorry for the inconvenience this might have cause you.

Awaits your mail soonest.

Hello, Stephen. Well, I am fine, but it’s another story with my daughter Mhavrych. I guess we didn’t get her to the doctor fast enough after she was bitten by that rabid squirrel while wearing her acorn costume. This morning she’s been displaying violent movements, uncontrolled excitement, fear of water, and confusion. I tried to get her to drink something and she grabbed the water bottle from me and shoved it right into my nose hole!

Well, with all the distractions I am a little confused by your email. Are you saying you need me to subtract the difference of $4,700 from your check and send it to you? If so, that is totally fine. Nothing weird about that at all. Happy to help keep the surprise for wife birthday!

Yes and have you take her to doctor

Yes, I took Mhavrych to the doctor yesterday, but she is going to take herself back today so I can wait for your delivery. She can drive – she’s 34.

What do you mean she is 34 and still acorn in elementary school pageant

She was held back.

What? And can i see her picture

I don’t feel comfortable sending you a picture of my daughter.

Ok but at 34 why she in elementary school

OK, I didn’t want to go into it because it’s a secret, but if you promise not to tell anyone I’ll explain.

I promise i wont tell anyone will keep the secret.

All right, Mhavrych is actually my wife and she looks really young. She’s a conceptual performance artist and she was doing the elementary school pageant as an art piece, but no one knew she is really 34. I don’t want the school board to find out because she might get arrested.

OK

Mhavrych and I appreciate your discretion, Stephen. She has already had her license revoked, so she shouldn’t even be driving, but I don’t want to miss your delivery. No sign of it yet!

Dont worry you will get it by tomorrow or wednesday.

OK, I will look out for it today, but Mhavrych seems to be feeling worse, has a crazy look in her eyes, so literally anything could happen…
– – –
I didn’t receive your check yesterday, so hopefully it will arrive today.

Morning. USPS made a mistake with your address which i just correct and since today is weekend you will get it by next week am sorry for the delay,awaits your mail.

Thanks for letting me know, Stephen. To be honest, I’ve been really distracted by all the drama with my wife, Mhavrych. It turns out she was just pretending to have rabies this whole time as part of a performance piece, and the “squirrel” that bit her was actually her friend Tony dressed up in a squirrel costume! They had a camera hidden in a pumpkin and were videotaping the whole thing. I should have known that squirrel was too big to be real!

I’ve decided to file for divorce – I just can’t handle all the theatrics anymore! But don’t worry, I promise to have your painting finished in time for Mary’s birthday. Sorry to burden you with this… I know it’s not your problem.
– – –
Stephen are you still buying the painting? Because I already started working on it. I guess you never sent the check?

I want the painting and dont sell it to anyone this courier services is frustrating,you will get it latest tomorrow..

OK, good. I wouldn’t want the work I’ve already done to go to waste. It took me hours to get that cheeseburger to look right.


Can you do me a favor? Please let me know when the check has been delivered because I am staying at my friend Joachim-Friedrich’s house while my divorce is being settled. I don’t want Mhavrych and her boyfriend Tony to get their hands on it, so please let me know as soon as it arrives so I can get to it before they do. Thanks!

UPS came to deliver the check to you this morning but you are not available, awaits your email.

Hi Stephen. Yes, I am still staying with my friend Joachim-Friedrich. Things have gotten very messy with my divorce so I can’t go home. Mhavrych even changed the locks and painted our entire house in red polka-dots.

So how will you get the check then?

I think I have an idea… It’s so crazy, it just might work!

What

Huh?

Go home and pick up the check .

OK, I’ll tell you my plan in a sec. But first can you tell me approximately when they’ll come back to deliver it?

You can call them and go and pick up the check.

Call who?

UPS to know when they will deliver it.

OK. I’ll call them right now to find out. Great idea, Stephen!
– – –
I just spoke to UPS and they said the check will be redelivered today sometime between 12 and 3pm. So, here’s my plan: I’ll go over to the house disguised as a tree (Mhavrych had this oak tree costume from one of her performances and I stole it when I moved out). I’ll stand by the front porch, dressed as a tree, and when the UPS man shows up, I’ll jiggle one of my branches to get his attention and let him know it’s really me. Once I have the check, I’ll head straight to the bank.

I can’t let Mhavrych or Tony see me because they are both nuts! They even turned our dog, Dorito, against me and the last time I was over there he almost bit off my pinky!
– – –

Stephen, I wanted to let you know what happened yesterday with UPS…

what happened?

Well, I went to the house and put on the tree costume, just like I told you, and I stood real still by the front porch. I had to wait there for like 2 hours!  Just as the UPS man finally showed up with your check, Dorito came outside and started barking at me and blew my cover. Then Mhavrych and Tony came running out of the house, both dressed up as walnuts! I think it was some kind of weird sex thing.

With all this chaos, the UPS man got freaked out and drove off without delivering your check. I’m sorry my plan didn’t work out the way I had hoped, Stephen.

Anthony Coal

BESSETTE
Ghost-writing for Andrew Prayzner

Hello,

My name is Anthony Coal from Charlotte NC. I was looking for some artwork online and i found your contact while searching. I will like to purchase some of your work for my wife as a surprise gift for our 20th anniversary.Please kindly send pics and prices of some of your art which are ready for immediate sale within price range $300- $1,200, i could be flexible with price. So i will hope to hear a lot more about any available piece in your inventory ready for immediate sale.

Thanks and best regards,
Anthony Coal.

Dear Anthony,
Thank you so much for your message, and I’m so pleased you are considering purchasing one of my works for your 20th anniversary! Contemporary painting really makes the perfect gift for that special someone.

I’m including a list of available works below with prices, and images are all on my web site, which I’m sure you have already seen.

“Emergency Omelette”
2015
oil on linen
36 x 46 in.
$1,100

“Taco Pocket Revelation”
2015
oil on linen
36 x 46 in.
$1,000

“Permanent Smurf Hat”
2015
oil on linen
36 x 46 in. 
$1,200

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Warmly,
Andrew

Thanks for the message, I must tell you I intend to give my wife a surprise with the immediate purchase of the piece (“Taco Pocket Revelation” 2015 oil on linen 36 x 46 in. $1,000). If you’d like to know, I’m relocating to the Philippines soon and our wedding anniversary is fast approaching. So I’m trying to gather some good stuff to make this event a surprise. Kindly email me the asking price asap.

As regarding payment,  I would like to inform you, that my wife handles the family credit card/bank  and Paypal transaction. So i would authorize a check to you for the payment as soon as i have your full name and contact address (Sunset At The Beach, 9.75” x 10” $175). Also, as soon as you receive the check and it clears your bank, my shipping agent who is also moving my personal effect will contact you to arrange shipping/pick up of the piece from you (this is to avoid my wife receiving it, if been shipped directly to my address which would ruin the surprise for this event). You both have to sign a proof of pick up at the most.

I would have handled this much differently if I’d been at home but i am actually going offshore and won’t be back for another couple of weeks, and do not have access to a lot of cash over here to expedite this transaction… trying to kill two birds with a stone. 🙂

Have a Positive Day!

Hi Anthony,
So far, my day has indeed been very positive, thank you so much! I’m pleased you have found a painting you like – “Taco Pocket Revelation” 2015 oil on linen 36 x 46 inches. That’s my favorite painting of the new series because it’s based on a true story. I can tell you about it sometime if you’re interested.

I’m a bit confused about your reference to “Sunset At the Beach” 9.75 x 10″ $175. That really came out of nowhere!

Sorry to be so brief, but I need to go add more sugar to my Kombucha mother.

Best wishes,
Andrew

Kindly send me your name and address so that i mail out the check to you

Hi Anthony,
OK will do. I just need to know if you want my home address or my studio address?

I’m going to be volunteering at the Columbia Country Cream Cheese Festival today, but I’ll get back to you as soon as possible!

My very best,
Andrew

Any one that you feel comfortable to give me so that you receive the check

Good morning, Anthony. I am sorry for the delay. There was an accident yesterday at the Columbia County Cream Cheese Festival and I was dealing with it all day. One of the clog dancers from the variety show tripped when getting off stage and knocked over a giant fiberglass cow, which fell right onto Fern Moody, the festival organizer! I had to take Fern ASAP to the ER, where she got an MRI and thankfully there are no broken bones. Unfortunately, I got a DUI on the way home.

Anyhooo… here is my address you can send the check to:
Andrew Prayzner
Andrew Prayzner Art Studio
220 36th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11232

Let me know if you need anything else!

Best wishes,
Andrew

Hope you are good. Thanks for the details which I’ve noted down, My shipping agent is due in the U.S sometime this week. So i have contacted a client of mine to issue out a check which will include my shipping agent fees to you right away.  This is done to avoid delay or any inconvenience that may arise from his part and to allow check to clear before pick up. However, courtesy demand i must first appeal to your self interest and ask for your help in remitting the overage (after deducting your fee for the piece) to the shipping agent as soon as the check clears.

I would have handled this much differently if I’d been at home but am a bit pressed for time as our anniversary is fast approaching and do not have access to a lot of cash over here to expedite this transaction… Kindly deduct any IRS tax incurred on the overage before giving the balance the shipping agent. As i do not want you to involve any of your personal funds in this transaction, that is why all fund is made available to you. As an aside, they are not sending any bill or hold you responsible for the payment of my shipping contract with them.

I am really sorry for the mix up and will appreciate if you get back to me asap to know if i can entrust you with this transaction. Kindly get back to me with your phone number so that i can easily send you a text message once the check is mailed out.

Many thanks and talk to you soon,

Hi Anthony,
I’ve had a busy day mopping up all of the cream cheese that spilled during the clog dancing accident earlier today. At fist I thought we must have had a vat of strawberry flavored cream cheese on stage, but then I realized it was blood from Fern Moody’s head wound mixed in. I’m sure glad I stopped myself from tasting it!

Thanks for the very long and totally legitimate explanation of your situation. Hey, these things happen – so I am happy to remit the overage to you once I receive the check.

Here is my cell phone number:
347-732-XXXX
I don’t always get my text messages, so would you mind emailing me, as well? Thanks a lot!

Okay thank you will let you know once check is mailed out today

All right! I’m planning on visiting Fern Moody in the hospital today to bring her some back issues of Dairy Farmer Magazine to read. I know she’s really bored over there! But I will be back home later this afternoon!

– – –

Dear Anthony,
Just wondering if you were able to send the check out today? Please let me know thanks.

Yes the check has been mailed out

OK, because I still haven’t gotten it.

It was mailed out today

Great, I’ll go out and look inside my mailbox.

You should receive it tomorrow or next

You’re right. I don’t see it in my mailbox. I’ll go look in the bushes.

Good morning  Andrew,
Hope you  are doing great. I’m very sorry the payment for the piece have remained unpaid this long. However, the check has been scheduled for delivery soon via USPS with tracking numbers:  9405501699320095455856 .

Anyway, I’d like you to have it deposited through your Bank right away, so that you can have a copy of the deposit receipt. Please note : It will clear within 24 hours, but in some exceptional cases the funds are available immediately.

A check for $2950.00 was issued, you will be deducting $1000.00 for your artwork and be giving the remainder to the private movers coming for the pick up of the artwork from you. You would please recall that I explained in my email earlier that the shipper is also helping me move some of my properties along with the piece. Specifically, he will be moving my 1932 Ford ROADSTER and some personal effect. So, the balance on the check is cover the shipping fees.

Kindly email ASAP, so I can give you the shipper’s information and instructions on how to forward the overage funds, so they can make arrangement for an appropriate time with you to commence packaging/shipping.

Thanks and I await to read from you,

Anthony Coal.

Hello Anthony,
I got confused. I was digging around behind the bushes last night with my flashlight looking for that check. I thought I found it, but it turned out to be a half-eaten bagel. I ate the rest of it.

So that explains why the check still hasn’t gotten here! Thanks for the tracking number – I see that you sent it from New York. I didn’t know you were so close by since you mentioned you live in Charlotte, NC. Would you like to come visit my studio and pick up the piece in person?

Im now in Philippines so i asked my client to mail the check to you

Oh, I see. Wow, it’s late there – almost 10:30pm. You must be getting ready to go to bed. I hope the check arrives soon so you don’t have to stay up all night. What time do you usually go to bed, Anthony?

As soon as bed calls lol. dont have a specific time

And I bet you’re still pretty jetlagged after moving from Charlotte to the Philippines amiright Anthony??

Yes thats right

What was the reason for your move, if you don’t mind my asking?
– – –
You’re right – it’s none of my business. I’m sorry to be so nosy.

Business had a contract to execute

Gotta follow that paycheck!
– – –

It looks like ye olde cheque has been delivered!

I just received a notification that it has been delivered to you. When will you be able to have the check deposited into your bank account for funds to be available.

Yes indeed, Anthony. That’s why I just emailed you to say it was delivered!

Okay when will you be having it deposited into your bank account for funds to be available?

Well let’s see… All the banks are closed for the day and first thing tomorrow I need to go pick up Fern Moody from the hospital. And right after that auditions to replace the injured clog dancer get underway and I’m one of the judges. I also need to work on the giant bagel sculpture I just started so it’s finished in time for National Bagel Day. I’m a very busy person. 

Yes i understand kindly let me know once deposited into your bank account good night

You mean you’re just now going to bed? Isn’t it 6:15 AM in the Philippines right now?
– – –
Hello Anthony. I hope you finally got some sleep! Fern Moody died, so I don’t need to pick her up from the hospital. I’m going to deposit your check first thing, in just a short while.

Im sorry about the lost i know how that feels. may her soul rest in peace. Kindly let me know once the check is deposited into your bank account.

Thanks, but I never really liked Fern Moody, between you and me. I once asked her to feed my pet parrot (also named Anthony!) while I was on vacation in South Dakota and when I got back, Anthony was dead. She said it was an accident, but I didn’t believe her.

Anyway, I just deposited your check and await your instruction!

So sorry about that when will the funds be available in your bank account?

Thank you so much. I think it’s available now, but I already have enough money in the bank to cover it, so I guess it doesn’t matter, right?

Okay i am waiting for information from the shipping company will forward it to you as soon as i get it

That sounds fine. I will be here, working on my bagel sculpture.

You will be doing money transfer to the shipping company by splitting the funds using Walmart2walmart money transfer and Money gram which both can be situated inside walmart store. This is the information you will be sending the funds to.

Name: Marco Degiusti
City: Jenks
State: Ok
Zipcode: 74037

You will send $850 via walmart2walmart money transfer and $1050 via money gram the remaining $50 will be used as the sending fee for the $850 and the $1050. How soon will you be going to do the transfer so that the pick up can be done as soon as possible.,

Well, I just ran out of sesame seeds, so I need to go to the store anyway. I can be at Walmart in about 30 minutes.

Okay thank you i will await your email Once done kindly snap the receipt given to you and send to me so that i forward it to shipping company

Will do, Anthony!

Thank you so much
– – –
Has it been sent?

No! HA HA HA!!!

???

!!!

This isn’t Andrew! This is Fern Moody, and I have your check!

Dont get you

Andrew came to pick me up from the hospital today, and he thought I was dead, but I was just holding my breath to trick him! He was so shocked that he dropped his phone and your check! I’m the one who has been writing to you all day!!!

– – –

Anthony, oh my gosh I am so sorry! I told you Fern was crazy. I just showed up with the cops and got my phone back from her, as well as your check. Fern was covered with blueberry cream cheese – it was so freaky!

I have just wired the money to you, so you should be getting it soon. Again I am so sorry for the chaos!

-Andrew

– – –

Did you receive the money?

which money?

The money I wired you after I got the check back from Fern Moody…

wire to wer?

Huh? I sent it to Marco Degiusti.

where is the receipt for the payment you made so that i forward to Marco for the pick up

I didn’t get one. Maybe I did it wrong? Sorry, I’ve never sent a wire transfer before.  

Okay

So what should I do?

To what? You never sent any money so what are you trying to insinuate? And i didnt give you an information for wire and if truly u sent the money you will be giving a receipt

Yes you did. You told me to go to Walmart and wire the money to Marco Degiusti. And then I bought sesame seeds. 

I guess I just did it wrong. Look it’s been a really stressful day after what happened with Fern. And it took me an hour to get all that blueberry cream cheese out of my hair!

I will try again to send the money to you tomorrow.

OK

Thank you for your patience.

– – –

Do you want me to wire the money to the same person today? Do you want me to send it to Marco Degiusti?

Send it to the same person and snap the receipt and send to me

OK, I am going to do it right after I finish dropping my kids off at
the pool. Stand by.

ok

Do you like movies about gladiators, Anthony?

James Grillo

CockerSpaniel_hero

Hello,
My name is James Grillo from South Carolina. My wife and I have our wedding anniversary coming up soon. I noticed she viewed your website recently on my laptop and I guess she likes your piece of work. I’m also impressed and amazed to have seen your various works, too. You are doing a great job.

I would like to receive further information about your piece of work and what inspires you. I am interested in the purchase of the piece (in subject field above) to surprise my wife. Kindly confirm the availability for immediate sales.

Thanks and best regards,

James

 

Dear James,
I’m so sorry for the delayed response — I dropped a VCR on my foot and had to go to the ER. I got an MRI and fortunately everything is fine.

Thanks for your nice words about my art, and I’m flattered your wife likes my piece of work. Believe it or not, the painting you inquired about was actually made by fastening paint-soaked sponges to Cocker Spaniels and letting them roll around on a canvas. It’s a very special piece, and smelly.

The cost is $1,924.13 plus freight. Please let me know if you are interested as I have another couple from North Carolina interested in the same piece.

All the best and Happy Holidays,

Jim

 

Dear Jim,
Thanks for the message, however am so sorry about your feet and am glad you are okay now. I must tell you I intend to give my wife a surprise with the immediate purchase of the piece. Also if you’d like to know, I am relocating to the Philippines soon, and our wedding anniversary is fast approaching, so I’m trying to gather some good stuff to make this event a surprise one. I am buying the piece as part of gifts to her (quickly before someone else grabs it). I am okay with the price and I will be sending a check.

As regarding shipping, you don’t have to worry about that in order not to leave any clue to my wife for the surprise. As soon as you receive and cash the check, my shipping agent (who is also moving my personal effects) will contact you to arrange pick-up.

I would have come to purchase the piece, myself, but, at the moment am on a training voyage to the North Atlantic Ocean (I’m an ocean engineer) with new hires who are fresh from graduate school and won’t be back for another couple of weeks.

P.S. In the meantime, kindly get back to me with your full name, phone number and contact address where a check can be mailed to, so I can get the check prepared and have it mailed out to you right away.

James

 

Dear James,
Thanks for your concern about my foot. It doesn’t hurt anymore but it’s so purple from bruising you might mistake it for an eggplant! My VCR no longer works, though.

It might take me a few more days to send the piece you inquired about. My gallery has informed me that it is currently in an exhibition called “Works of ARF: Paintings by and About Dogs” (see my previous email). I had no idea, but it sounds like a fun show and my Cocker Spaniels, Lucy and Mordecai, are thrilled. The show ends this week, so I can have it ready for pick-up by Friday.

If you prefer not to wait, perhaps there is another painting on my web site you would like, such as “Werewolf Grandma” 2010, oil on canvas, or “Mermaid with Cowboy Boots” 2011, oil on canvas (that one has a maritime theme, which may interest you since you are an ocean engineer).

In any case, let me know if you would rather wait for the first painting you asked about. Do you need my studio address or my home address for the check?

Best wishes,
Jim

 

 

Hi Jim,
Am glad your foot is okay. Thanks be to God. Am sure very soon the bruise shall fade off. Mistaking it for an eggplant is quite hilarious. Friday is still very okay. Am cool with that. You can send me your home address so that the check can be mailed as soon as possible

Thanks,
James

 

Hello James,
Indeed, my foot is feeling very blessed, but I have bad news about the painting. It seems some cat burglars broke into the gallery where the dog art show was being held and stole my piece! They also took a watercolor made by a Golden Retriever and peed on the floor. It’s terrible—the detectives are saying the thieves cut a big hole in the window with a glass-cutter and crawled right in.

Would you be willing to take “Dancing Asparagus with Underpants” 2012, oil on canvas, instead? It looks basically exactly almost the same as the other one and I can sell it for half the price: $962.06. I’m sure your wife will still be surprised.

I hope this is ok with you. Please let me know and I’ll send you my home address. It would be great to make this sale so I can pay for all of the medical expenses from my foot injury and also buy a new VCR.

Sincerely,
Jim

 

Dear Jim,
Thanks for the message. Am so sorry about the incident and I hope the culprits are apprehended soon enough. It’s okay, I will go for the piece “Dancing Asparagus with Underpants” 2012, oil on canvas. I like it and the price is fair enough. I am okay with the price $962.06. Am so sorry about all that has happened to you.

 

Hello James,
Sorry for the lapse in communication. I have been at the police station helping to identify the cat burglars who stole my piece, and we think we may have nabbed them. Their names are “Whiskers” McGraw and “Flea-bag” Johnson. I have never seen cats this big and mean before, and Officer Barkley says he hasn’t either.

Now that we have solved the mystery, I can turn my attention back to this sale. You can send the check to P.O. Box 2121, Brooklyn, NY 11205 and I’ll let you know when I receive it.

Happy Anniversary!

Jim

 

P.S. Officer Barkley recovered my painting from the cat burglars, which is intact except for a few scratches from their paws. Do you want to buy that one now, or will you still go with “Dancing Asparagus with Underpants” 2012, oil on canvas?

 

Hello Jim,
Thanks for the details which I’ve noted down. I am glad you recovered your stolen piece. Good job from the police but am no longer interested in it. Am good with “Dancing Asparagus with Underpants.” I will make the check just has you have instructed and I hope to visit your studio with my wife in the nearest future after our anniversary.

Also, in order not to leave any clue to my wife for the surprise, I’ve contacted a client of mine to issue out a check, which will include my shipping agent fees to you, so you may have to help remit the balance to the shipping agent as soon as the check clears your bank. I would have handled this much differently if I’d been at home but am a bit pressed for time and do not have access to a lot of cash over here… trying to kill two birds with a stone.

Jim, I want you to understand that I’m concluding you are a responsible person and I can therefore entrust you with this arrangement. Please I will appreciate if you get back to me ASAP to know if I can entrust you with this transaction.

Many thanks and talk to you soon,

James

 

James,
Apologies for the delay – I was seriously hung-over for like a whole day. But yeah, I am definitely a totally responsible person all the time, except for that time I took my Cocker Spaniels to Vegas and lost them at the Golden Nugget. They still haven’t forgiven me for that (Lucy just gave me that look).

I don’t want to get involved with helping you kill birds with rocks. I don’t know what you’re doing that for, but that’s your business so whatever. I’m sure I can handle sending the extra money to the shipping agent once I get it. I still haven’t gotten it, though.

Hello Jim,

You still have not given me an address where the check can be mailed to. Am so glad I can rely on you for the surprise – once again thanks you for help.

James


Hello James,
I have a situation. “Whiskers” McGraw (the cat who stole my painting) has escaped from jail and now he’s on the loose. I can’t stay at my place for fear of retaliation so I need you to send the check to my neighborhood drugstore:

Walgreens
379 Myrtle Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11205

Don’t worry — they know me there. They always have a bottle of Demerol and a pack of Certs waiting for me when I come by, and they said they could hold my mail for me until the coast is clear. I hope you understand I can’t take any chances. I heard “Whiskers” once killed a guy over a bag of catnip and then buried him in kitty litter. It’s really effed up.

If you don’t want to send it to Walgreens, my friend I am staying with said you could send it to his house:

Oliver C. Peanut
62 Lewis Ave. #4
Brooklyn, NY 11238

Please don’t tell anyone where I am staying, though. Thanks for your understanding!

 

Hello Corey,
Am sorry for responding to your message this late. It has been a busy time for me, despite the fact that it’s Christmas season. Please pardon me the payment has not been made till now. Consider the piece sold to me already and I assure you that the check will be mailed out to you this week. I hope it is okay if he check is mailed out to Oliver C. Peanut 62 Lewis Ave. #4 Brooklyn, NY 11238.

Thanks, Merry Christmas and a prosperous new year.

James

P.S. Sorry about the name. It’s my daughter’s. She’s been giving me a tough time. Please rest assured that I am not going to give out your address to anyone. You can count on that.

And I hope the issue has been resolved already, as you deserve to live freely. I wish you all the best, Jim.

James

 

Hello James,
Not to worry. Corey was the name of my very first German Shepherd – brings back memories!

 


Dear Jim,
Compliment of the season! Hope you are doing great. Just a quick update, the check has been mailed out and will be delivered today to the address given via FedEx.

You would please recall that I explained in my email earlier that the Shipping agent is also helping me move some of my properties along with the piece. Specifically, he will be moving my 1932 Ford Roadster and some personal effects. So, the balance on the check is to cover the shipping fees. Kindly keep me posted as soon as you receive the check, so I can give you the shipper’s information and instructions on how to forward the overage to the shipping agent.

Thanks and I await to read from you.

James.

 

Thanks for the update, James. I will tell Mr. Peanut to keep an eye out for the check as I am keeping a low profile today (hiding). Thanks!

 

Once again thanks a bunch for doing this. I really appreciate it, and I hope the burglar is apprehended soon so that you can live free. Till then please take care of yourself.

James

 

James, hello. I have some bad news about the painting you wanted to buy: “Dancing Asparagus with Underpants” 2012, oil on canvas. My dog ate it. I don’t know how Mordecai got into the shipping crate, but don’t worry – he is being severely punished and I have dressed him up like a baby to remind him of how immature he behaved.

I might be able to send you bits and pieces of the painting, but I won’t know for another 8 to 12 hours. It probably won’t smell very good, so I’ll wrap it up tight in a ziploc bag and send it to you. What is your mailing address? Can I still cash the check?

Best wishes,
Jim

 

Well Jim, my friend, I want to believe and trust you wouldn’t disappoint. Am sure the painting will be dry before it gets to its destination, no doubt about that. You can go ahead and cash the check and proceed with the transaction. And please take it easy on Mordecai.

I know you going to make everything work out.

Thanks,
James


Hi James,
I just wanted to make sure you understood from my last message that my dog ate the painting and it is currently breaking down somewhere inside his digestive system. Thoughts?

 

Dear Jim,
I really don’t know what you want me to do as you have been so careless with the painting. Could I still buy another painting in place of the one the dog ate? If yes, you can go ahead and cash the check, only if it is at the same range with the one I intended to purchase.

James

 

James,
I’m in serious trouble. I’ve been kidnapped by “Whiskers” McGraw! He finally caught up to me, and he’s making me write this e-mail because he wants a ransom of $10,323.67 for my release. He found all of my e-mails to you on my laptop, so he thinks you have a lot of money. I have no one else to turn to since I’m just a starving artist. Can you please help me, James? Whiskers turned my friend Mr. Peanut into peanut butter.

P.S. I told “Whiskers” you are an ocean engineer, and now he wants you to send him 900 cans of sardines.

 

* * *

 

Dear Mr. Grillo,
This is Jim Gaylord. Someone hacked into my Hotmail account and has been sending messages to you, pretending to be me. I don’t use this e-mail address very often, so I only just noticed it. I do not have a painting for sale called “Dancing Asparagus with Underpants” but maybe I should make one, haha.

 

Okay, did you receive the check I sent? Kindly let me know ASAP.

Thanks,
James


Hello Mr. Grillo,
No, I don’t know who was writing to you before and I don’t know whose address they gave you. Perhaps you would be interested in another painting? I would hate to lose a sale just because of some dishonest person.

 

Peter Garrett

Mister_Softee_Truck_1

Ghost-writing for Jake Longstreth…

Greetings,
My name is Peter Garrett from Maine. I actually observed my wife has been viewing your website on my laptop and i guess she likes your piece of work. I’m also impressed and amazed to have seen your various works too, : ) You are doing a great job.

I would like to receive further information about your piece of work and what inspires you. I am very much interested in the purchase of the piece to surprise my wife. Kindly confirm the availability for immediate sales.

Thanks and best regards,
Peter

Hi Peter,
Thank you so much for your inquiry. Your wife has excellent taste in art if I do say so myself! And I’m sure she has ok taste in husbands, too ; ) Are you thinking of purchasing some artwork for an upcoming anniversary, perhaps? Just let me know if there is a particular piece on my web site you’re interested in and I can give you the price. Hope to hear from you real soon.

Jake

Hello,
Thanks for the message, it could be any color, but medium size or large.. However, I would greatly appreciate if you could possibly recommend a few completed piece within my budget $1000- $5,000 ready for immediate sale… Just need something within that price range for a surprise to my wife (can tell she likes your work). I would appreciate if you can figure out a piece of work that would serve that purpose. Kindly email images and prices of any available works in that range.

Thanks and blessing

Hello Peter,
How exciting! I am honored you will be surprising your wife with one of my paintings. If you don’t mind my asking, what is your wife’s first name? It will help me choose a piece to present to you.
 
Best wishes,
Jake

Thanks for your response Jake.. My wife’s first name is Bonnie and i hope you find a lovely and adorable painting for her 🙂 Thanks and looking forward to hear back from you!

Good morning, Peter. I think I have found just the right piece from my web site for your wife, Bonnie: “Aerobics Baby with Ducks,” 2016, oil on canvas, 34 x 40 inches. The price is $2,400 plus shipping. Let me know what you think. I hope you had a wonderful National Waffle Iron Day!
 
Best,
Jake

Dear Jake,
Thanks for the message .. I must tell you I intend to give my wife a surprise with the immediate purchase of the piece. Also If you’d like to know, I’m relocating to the Philippines soon and our wedding anniversary is fast approaching. So I’m trying to gather some good stuff to make this event a surprise one..

I’m okay with the price (“Aerobics Baby with Ducks,” 2016, oil on canvas, 34 x 40 inches $2400) I think it’s worth it anyway, so I’ll be sending a check. As regarding shipping, you don’t have to worry about that in order not to leave any clue to my wife for the surprise. as soon as you receive and cash the check, my shipping agent (who is also moving my personal effect) will contact you to arrange pick-up.

I would have come to purchase the piece myself but, at the moment, am on training voyage to the North Atlantic Ocean (I’m an ocean engineer) with new hires who are fresh from graduate school and won’t be back for another couple of weeks.

Regards..
PS: In the meantime, kindly get back to me with your full name (you want the check payable to) cell phone no. and contact address (preferably for USPS OR UPS not P.O box) where a check can be mailed to so I can get the check prepared and have it mailed out to you right away.

Peter

Hi Peter,
Wow, I didn’t know they even had the internet out in the middle of the ocean! I hope you don’t get sea sick, haha. The last time I was on a boat I lost my lunch over the side and then a pelican ate it – yuck!

I just have one question for you. Do you need my studio address or my home address for the check? I’ll get the info to you ASAP!
 
Best,
Jake

Thanks for your response Jake, either of the two address will be fine as long as you can receive the check and also the check can be deliverable to the address its fine..

Do get back to me with the info needed for the payment soon.. Thank you!

Hello Peter,
I’m so sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I’ve been dealing with an absolute fiasco! I was riding home in an Uber with the painting you wanted (“Aerobics Baby with Ducks” 2016, oil on canvas), but just as I was about to fetch it from the back, the driver took off!
 
I called the company immediately, and after I described the vehicle they told me it was not an authorized Uber driver at all, and that Uber vehicles do not have the words “Mister Softee” painted on the side. I should have realized something was wrong by the way he kept pulling over every time he saw a group of kids.
 
Peter, do not worry – I have filed a police report and I am determined to get the painting back so that you don’t disappoint Bonnie on your anniversary. You have my promise! I’ll get back to you as soon as I know more.
 
Warmly,
Jake

Am sorry to hear that Jake i”ll be waiting for your email and i hope you find the painting. Thank you!

Thank you, Peter. I am very sorry for the inconvenience, and I take full responsibility! The good news is that I was reimbursed by Uber for the cost of the ride and I also received a voucher for a complimentary “Nutty Buddy.”
 
I am still working with the LAPD to find my painting (“Aerobics Baby with Ducks” 2016, oil on canvas), but they are closed for the holiday weekend, so it will be a few days before any progress is made. Ugh.
 
I really hate to keep you and Bonnie waiting. Would you be interested in another painting of the same size and style, perhaps? For example, “Fingernail Confetti Confection” 2016, oil on canvas, 34 x 40 inches is basically almost exactly the same, except it has a Rastafarian banana wearing sunglasses in the upper left hand corner. The price is the same – $2,400 USD.
 
Let me know if you would like to purchase that one instead, and I promise to be more careful this time!
 
Best,
Jake

You can email the image of the painting then we can go from there if am interested in that instead.. Thank you!

Hi Peter,
I haven’t photographed that one yet, but I was just about to write to you with great news! I’ve tracked down the original painting you wanted, “Aerobics Baby with Ducks” 2016, oil on canvas! I’ll give you the whole story later, but I wanted to go ahead and send you my address so we can move forward with the sale:
Jake Longstreth
fake address
fake address
fake phone number
 
Hope you have a happy 4th of July at sea! Are you going to have fireworks? Maybe you can at least light a flare or something.

Dear Jake,
Thanks for the details which I’ve noted down, My wife handles the family credit card/bank issues, and in order not to leave any clue to her for the surprise, I’ve contacted a client of mine to issue out a check which will include my shipping agent fees to you, but courtesy demand i must first appeal to your self interest and ask for your help in remitting the overage (after deducting your fee for the piece) to the shipping agent as soon as the check clears.

I would have handled this much differently if I’d been at home but am a bit pressed for time as our anniversary is fast approaching and do not have access to a lot of cash over here to expedite this transaction…. trying to kill two birds with a stone.

Kindly deduct any IRS tax incurred on the overage before giving the balance the shipping agent. they are not sending any bill or hold you responsible for the payment of my shipping contract with them. I am really sorry for the mix up and will appreciate if you get back to me asap to know if i can entrust you with this transaction.

Many thanks and so happy you were able to get the painting back.. I await your response.

Dear Peter,
I’ve talked it over with my studio assistant, Bernice, and we think this arrangement sounds fine and totally normal. So yes, you can count on me to help you keep the surprise for Bonnie! We will be looking out for the check.
 
In the mean time, I am going out to retrieve my painting. You know what they say: “A bird with hands is worth two with a bush.”
 
Bernice will be answering my emails while I am out. Please direct any of your pressing questions to Bernice.
 
Best,
Jake

Thanks Jake, will update you with the payment process.. Regards ad God bless!

Hi Peter. This is Bernice, Jake’s studio assistant. Jake has gone out to confiscate the painting but he asked me to thank you for your update.

Take care,
Bernice

Hi Bernice, how are you doing and hope Jake has been able to receive the painting? The check has been mailed out already and will get back to you with the tracking number asap.. Thanks and blessings!

Hello Peter. I’m fine. Thank you for asking. Except Jake has been having me pose for a new painting he is working on and I’m getting really tired from all the aerobics.
 
Jake said he is going to email you soon with an update on the painting for your wife.
 
Have a nice day.
Bernice

Alright thanks Bernice..

Hi Peter,
This is Jake again. I’ve been out all day conducting my investigation. The painting you’re buying, “Aerobics Baby with Ducks” 2016, oil on canvas, is currently hanging in an art gallery in Culver City. A friend tipped me off when he passed by and saw it through the window.
 
I decided to get to the bottom of it, myself, since the police aren’t any help, so I put on a wig and a fat suit and went inside with a tape recorder and a microphone disguised as an ice cream cone.
 
The lady running the gallery said a guy dressed like a soda jerk sold her the painting and told her it was done by an artist named Klondike Sprinkles. Can you believe that? I guess the driver of that Mister Softee truck thought he could make some fast cash by selling my art. What an actual jerk!
 
I asked if I might have the chance to meet Mr. Sprinkles in person, and she told me there is a reception for the artist on Wednesday. I’m going to show up and confront the imposter, myself, and then I’ll grab the painting once I’ve proven it’s mine. I will notify you right away once I’ve carried out my plan… wish me luck!

Hello Jake,
How are you doing and good to know you are working on getting the painting.. I already have the tracking number for the check but my client just informed me about a little problem with the amount on the check sent to you cos my shipping agent fees was not included on the check according to our agreement but i will figure out a way with my client and get back to you on that soon.

Here is the tracking number for the package (9470101699320024530971) and you can easily track it via http://www.usps.com to know when exactly it will be delivered to you.. I need you to email me immediately you receive the check so i can instruct you on what to do further and how we would go about it.. Thanks and i await your response!

Hi Peter,
OK, I will keep an eye out for your check, although there is a lot going on today. The reception for Klondike Sprinkles is tonight and I need to be at the gallery to confront him. I’m going to be doing push-ups for the next 2 hours.
 
Also, Bernice is off today because she went to the Orange County Cheese Festival this morning and was bitten by a cow. Peter, between you and me, sometimes I just don’t know about Bernice.

Hello Jake, am sorry to hear about what happened to Bernice i hope she gets well soon.. Also the check is out for delivery please be on the look out so you can receive it and email me immediately for further instructions cos i already figured out a way with my client regarding the mistake that occurred.. I await your response soon.. Thanks!

You know, I never really liked Bernice. I once asked her to deliver my application for an NEA grant and she “accidentally” dropped it into the East River.
 
I will look out for your check until it’s time for me to go to the gallery reception. If you don’t hear from me, that’s where I am. I’m ready to turn Klondike Sprinkles into a banana split!!

That sounds funny Jake, just let me know immediately you receive the check so I can instruct you on what to do next.. Thanks and good luck with your search for the painting I hope it all turns out fine.. Regards!

Hi Peter. This is Bernice again. Jake is at the art gallery so I am handling his emails. I have your check.
 
Bernice

Thanks for your response Bernice, will want you to have the check deposited today in which the check will cleared overnight.. I had a conversation with Jake yesterday about a mistake been made on the payment cos my shipping agent fee was not included on the check as agreed earlier with Jake am really sorry about that.. However, i figured out a way with my client and he has already mailed out another check in the amount of $2400 for the painting am purchasing.

So as it is now, will want you to have the check with you deposited today so that you can have my shipping agents funds transferred tomorrow so they can contact you to coordinate pick up with you by Saturday unfailingly cos i don’t want any sort of delay with the pick up and i hope you understand my concern?

Please do email me back as soon as the check is deposited today so i can provide you with the shipping agent information to transfer the funds to.. I will get back to you with the tracking number of the check coming for the painting as soon as i have it i await your response soon.. Thanks and God bless!

Hello Peter,
I don’t know what you’re talking about. Also, Jake never came back from the gallery last night, so you’re dealing with Bernice now. God bless!
 
Bernice

Okay Bernice, the check you have with you there was a mistake on it, my shipping agent fees was not included just as i agreed with Jake and have contacted my client to mail out another check to cover up for the painting am purchasing from Jake.. The check you are having with you now will cover up for the shipping fees my agent will need in picking up the painting and my other properties and i want you to have it deposited today so we can coordinate pick up and will get back to you with the tracking number of the new check coming for the painting I hope you understand now?

Oh, I understand. I understand completely. But there’s been a change of plans. It’s safe to say that Jake is now out of the picture, so Bernice is running the show now. I’m in charge.

Sounds good how soon will you be depositing the check today?

That is no longer of concern to you.

What do you mean Bernice?

I need to know every update on the check so what do you mean it is no longer of concern to me??

Like I said, I’m running the show now. Have you ever heard of the planet Bovitron?

Are you trying to play pranks with me? I need you to have Jake contact me cos am dealing with him from the start don’t wanna talk to you anymore about this, Have Jake contact me right away!!!!!!!!

Well, Peter, as it turns out, Jake is the main ingredient in my new ice cream flavor recipe: Longstreth Chocolate Swirl. My co-confectioner Klondike Sprinkles and I will be loading him into our spacecraft with the other flavors we have created here on Earth, and returning to Bovitron, our home planet. It’s a planet made entirely of ice cream. And thanks to your financial assistance, we have almost completed construction. Bye-Bye!

– – –

Hi Mr. Garrett, This is Jake Longstreth. I just found out that someone hacked into my email account and has been writing to you for weeks, pretending to be me. I am sorry for the inconvenience. I don’t even have a studio assistant named Bernice.
 
Best regards,
Jake

OMG!! This doesn’t make any sense I already mail out the check and it has been delivered to you already do you the check with you?? I hope the check hasn’t been delivered to the wrong hands? Sorry. I never received a check from anyone so I’m not sure what to tell you. Take care. Are you trying to play pranks with me Jake? The check was sent to the address you gave me so what the hell are you talking about? Its better you figure out a way to find out about the check cos it has already been delivered to your address and get back to me.

As I told you, Mr. Garrett, my email has been hacked and I never had any contact with you before today. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I guess the lesson here is that there are a lot of scammers out there on the interwebs so you gotta be real careful. Have a fantastic day.

Thomas Map

charter-body-cast-hed-2016

Good Day Jim,
How is everything going on with you over there, Please do you still have this your beautiful below work available for purchase? Find the work am talking about below..

Axon oil on canvas 17 x 22 in. 2013 & Soft Endorsement oil on canvas 17 x 22 in. 2012. If the work is still available for purchase, please email me more details about it, the price and the availability.

Cheers,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
Hello. Everything is ok on my end, except for my left arm and leg being in a cast (long story).

Yes, those paintings are definitely available for purchase. The price is $2400 each plus shipping. What else do you need to know about them? Hope you’re having a Happy National Trail Mix Day!

All the best,
Jim

P.S. it took me 3 hours to type that e-mail with one hand.

Good Morning Jim,
Thank you for your email and more information about “Axon oil on canvas 17 x 22 in & Soft Endorsement oil on canvas 17 x 22 in.
I am purchasing this for my self and my family purpose, I know my wife will definitely like it because she like everything about Art. Please email me more details I need to know about the pieces.

Concerning the payment. I based in New Jersey and that’s where it will be ship to.. The payment I am 100% sure about is to send you a Cashier’s Check or Bank Draft for the total cost.. I will be expecting your email concerning this..

Cheers,
Thomas

Hello Thomas. Thanks for getting back to me. My friend Seymour is helping me type now since my arm is still in the cast, which will make things much easier. I am paying him.

Here’s all you need to know about the two pieces: “Axon” is about how I feel when it’s raining outside and was made by putting some paint on a brush and smearing it onto a canvas. “Soft Endorsement” is about a guy I met at Burning Man who had solar systems for eyes. It was made the same way the other one was, except for the molly.

What other info do you need? I know where New Jersey is.

Best,
Jim

Hello Jim,
Concerning the shipping and delivery I will handle the delivery and pay the delivery fees by adding it on the same check which am going to issue, You don’t need to stress your self concerning running here and there for the shipment purpose.

My concern about appointing a good secure shipping company for the delivery is because I want the delivery to be safe to my destination without any damages or lost which has already happen in the past using FedEx and UPS.
My Skype id is thomasdavemap add me on your Skype list or send me your Skype id and I will add you.

Please email me back with the below information for the payment to be sent because I need to pay you quick due to how urgent I want it.

Name on check: Full address: Phone number: Skype id: If you don’t have Skype id kindly go to http://www.skype.com and register with Skype and download it.

Note: I will appoint a good secure shipping company that will come for the pickup and the shipping fees will be added on the payment, remember when the payment arrives contact the shipping company I appoint for the pickup and arrange the shipment with them.

Best Regards,
Thomas

Hi Thomas,
That’s a great idea to use your own shipping company. FedEx is the worst! One time I was sending some pot brownies to my friend Seagull Dream and when he got them they were just crumbs. He still ate them tho.

Here’s all the info you asked for:
Name on check: Jim Gaylord
Phone number: (425) 778-0050
Skype id: Balbo_Shrooms2015

I’m also very anxious to make this sale! As you can imagine, I have a lot of medical bills piling up after the accident. What time do you want to skype?

Peace,
Jim
– – –
Thomas, did you get the information I sent?

Sorry I change my mind.

Ervin Hollos

koala-600x463

Hello Jim,
How are things with you? Please do you still have this your beautiful below work available for purchase? The work I am talking about are below..

Pinpoint Pass oil on canvas 36 x 30 in. 2012 & Unknown Error oil on canvas 20 x 24 in. 2012

If the work is still available for purchase, please email me more details about it, the price and the availability.

Seasons greetings to you and your family and all the best in this year 2015

Cheers
Ervin

Hello Ervin,
Seasons greetings to you and your family, as well, and any pets you may have also! I still have one of the paintings you inquired about: the one in the following parentheses (Pinpoint Pass, oil on canvas, 2012). The other one has been sold, but I have another painting that is almost identical (Bullfrog Smoothie, oil on canvas, 2012). Would you be interested in that one? The only difference is that it has a koala bear wearing sunglasses in the upper right hand corner.

Both paintings are $1,999 plus shipping, so let me know if you’re interested. To be honest, I’m tired of looking at them, and so is my butler, so I’d be happy to make the sale.

Best,
Jim

Hi Jim,
Thank you for your email and more information about “Bullfrog Smoothie” and “Pinpoint Pass”. I am purchasing it for my self and my family purpose, I know my wife will definitely like it because she like everything about Art.. Please email me more details I need to know about the pieces.

Concerning the payment. I am written you from New Jersey.. The payment I am 100% sure about is to send you a check for the total cost.

I will be expecting your email concerning this..

Cheers
Ervin

Hi Ervin,
Your wife sounds like a discerning connoisseur of the Arts. I’d be happy to share more information with you about the two paintings so you can choose the one she would like the best:

“Pinpoint Pass” oil on canvas, 2012, is the product of layers of contradiction, each resulting equally from an accumulative process of manipulation and degradation that ultimately negates their own essence of substantive volatility.

“Bullfrog Smoothie” oil on canvas, 2012, utilizes a sequence of opposing discourses in materiality to simultaneously transpose a conditional surface that belies a slow, systematic trajectory of absorption.

I hate both of them, so it’s up to you which one you want. And fine with me if you send payment from New Jersey – totally cool with New Jersey.

Best regards,
Jim

Hi Jim,
Now concerning the payment, I want you to understand the easy and safe payment I can provide to make everything more quick and smooth because I want it to be delivered in my destination in time.

Concerning the shipping and delivery I will handle the delivery and pay the delivery fees by adding it on the same check which am going to issue, You don’t need to stress your self concerning running here and there for the shipment purpose.

My concern about appointing a good secure shipping company for the delivery is because I want the delivery to be safe to my destination without any damages or lost which has already happen in the past using FedEx and UPS.

My Skype id is ervinhollos add me on your Skype list or send me your Skype id and I will add you.

Please email me back with the below information for the check to be issue because I need to pay you quick due to how urgent I want it.

Name on check:
Full Address:
Phone Number:
Skype id:

If you don’t have Skype id kindly go to http://www.skype.com and register with Skype and download it.

Note: I will handle and appoint a good secure shipping company that will come for the pickup and the shipping fees will be added, remember when the check arrives contact the shipping company I will appoint for the pickup and arrange the shipment with them

Best Regards
Ervin

Hello Ervin,
I see you are anxious to receive the artwork! Is this for a special occasion? A surprise for your wife, perhaps? I hope you don’t mind my asking.

I appreciate your taking care of the shipping so I don’t have to run around to and fro, this way and that. Before I send the information you asked for, can you confirm if you want “Bullfrog Smoothie” oil on canvas, 2012, or “Pinpoint Pass” oil on canvas, 2012? Or do you want them both?

I don’t have skype, but my intern, Marvin, said he would help me set up an account when he gets back from traffic court. He’s good with all that computer stuff.

Best regards,
Jim

Hi Jim,
Thank you for your reply concerning your question about my aim of purchasing the artwork, Yes I am purchasing it as a surprise for my wife.

I want them both, I will be expecting your details that I requested for the payment and also along with your Skype id for easy communication.

Have a wonderful weekend,

Cheers
Ervin

Dear Ervin,
I apologize for the delay. Something terrible has happened. My intern, Marvin, was arrested for breaking into a zoo yesterday and trying to steal zoo animals! I think he was on drugs. I was at the police station until late last night bailing him out, but needless to say, he won’t be coming back to work for me. I should have known the Port Authority was not a good place to find interns.

My archivist helped me install that skypey thing on my computer this morning. She says my user name is “pint-sized-picasso” but I still don’t really know what it is. Is it like facebook?

Also, do you need my studio address or my home address? Please let me know.

All the best,
Jim

Hi Jim,
I have sent you add request on Skype and I am available on Skype now for conversation because I didn’t really understand the email you sent.

Hope to see you on Skype today for discussion.

Ervin

Hello Ervin,
I don’t understand it either! You think you know a person and then something like this happens… In any case, do not worry about it. I’m just happy Marvin is no longer on my staff.

I tried to call you on that skypey thing but I couldn’t get it to work. My new studio assistant, Rick, said you probably weren’t home. I will try again tomorrow, although I will be quite busy training Rick on his duties, so I may not have time.

My question for you is very simple: do you need my studio address or my home address? Please advise.

Warm wishes,
Jim

Hi Jim,
Email me your name that I will write on the check, your home address, and your phone number.

Those are the information I asked for to issue the check and send it.

I will be expecting your reply.

Ervin

Hello Ervin,
I would have written you sooner, but my house was broken into last night and we’re all pretty shaken up about it. My housekeeper has even resigned. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but there was some serious damage done to my antique cookie jar collection and I can’t find Muffin, my Japanese Bobtail cat.

I’m going to be staying with a friend for a few days, until the perpetrator is apprehended, so you can send the check to her:

Anita Mann
56 Beaver Street, Apt. 4B
New York, NY 10004

Best regards,
Jim

Your phone number is needed.

Ervin

Ervin, did you read the email I sent you? My house was broken into!

That is why I am staying at Anita’s place, and I won’t be near my phone.

* * *
You can just use this phone number: (425) 778-0050

Thank you for all of your concern regarding the break-in, Ervin. Thanks a lot.

Hi Jim

What’s the evidence that I will definitely receive the paintings and you will not cash my check and stop emailing me.

I need a real fact about this before I will send any payment.

Cheers
Ervin

Ervin, what kind of evidence do you want me to give you?

Jim

Jim, send me a copy of your driver licence also some id that show your passport and your name is written there.

If I get this then I will be sure that you are real and I will continue.
Ervin

That’s an excellent idea. One never knows who he’s dealing with over the Internet. I will make a scan of it later today. Please also send me your license or passport, as well. I will be expecting it. Thanks.

Yours,
Jim

When I get back home that’s the only time I can do that and I am the one that is concerned because I am the one issuing you a payment so I need to be sure of what I am purchasing and I have a reason why I am doing all this because I have been scam before in this way.

I will be expecting your email with it.

Cheers
Ervin

I have to wait til I get home to scan mine too and I also have reasons to worry because I’m sending you my paintings and they are not free and I work hard on them and I want to make sure that the person sending me the check is not pulling a scam on me because people sometimes try to do that to me also and it’s bad.

I will be expecting your email with your driver’s license, as well.

Best,
Jim
* * *

Hello Ervin,
As promised, please find my driver’s license attached. As I told you before, I am staying with my friend Anita this week, and I do not have my passport with me, so the license will have to suffice. Please send me your identification so we can resume our transaction.

Best,
Jim
[driver’s license with fake address and fake ID# attached]

Hi Jim,
I have received your driver’s license. Please don’t take it in angry way, I just want to be sure that I am in the right part that’s the reason I requested for it and also remember I never ask such from the starting.

I will definitely issue the check immediately when I am back home and notified you

Cheers
Ervin

Hi Ervin,
I completely understand. I, myself, have been much more cautious with people since the break-in and the unfortunate situation with Marvin, my intern (I think he might have even been the one who broke into my house).

Be sure to send the check to my friend Anita’s house at the address I gave you as I am staying there this week. I will call FedEx to schedule a pickup as soon as I receive it.

Are you still going to send me your driver’s license, too? One can never be too careful, and checks can bounce, after all.

Many, many thanks.
Jim

* * *
Are you still getting the paintings? I have another buyer interested in “Bullfrog Smoothie” 2012, oil on canvas, so let me know.

Yes, I will email you when the check is sent. I am still in Texas

Ervin

Great, thanks. What are you doing in Texas? I grew up in Waco.

* * *
You’re right. It’s none of my business. I am sorry I asked you that. But if you happen to be in Waco, you should stop by Buzzard Billy’s Swamp Shack on I-35 and try their “Gator Fingers.” Tell Billy you know me and I’m sure he’ll take good care of you!

Cheerio,
Jim

* * *
Hello Ervin,
I thought you said you were in a hurry to receive these paintings for your wife? I am standing by for your direction. Please advise.

Hi Jim,
Yes I am but it’s work that’s delaying everything. I will definitely email you right away when I sent the check.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Cheers,
Ervin

* * *
Hi Jim,
I am sorry for the delay concerning the payment… It’s all because I am not through with what I went to Texas for.

I am through with everything and I just arrives back home, I will issue the check this week and email you immediately when I sent it so that you can be looking out for the delivery.

I am sorry once again for the delay about the payment.

I wish you happy Sunday.

Cheers

Good morning, Ervin. I apologize for not writing back yesterday. My minister accidentally dropped an electric guitar on my head at church, so I had to go to the doctor. Don’t worry – I’m fine!

Did you send the check to my friend Anita’s house? I am not staying there anymore, but I can get it from her later this week if that’s where you sent it.

Best,
Jim

Hi Jim,
You are no longer with Anita so I don’t need to issue the check on her name any more, email me your full name and your address including your phone number and I will issue the check on your name and direct it to you.

Cheers

Hi Ervin,
All of that information is on the driver’s license I sent you, aside from my phone number, which is as follows: (425) 778-0050 [this is the number for “Jim Gaylord Insurance Company”]

…which reminds me, it seems someone forgot to send me his photo ID, didn’t he?

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