I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I was recovering from a sprained finger and not checking this email account.
I can send you a list of available works, if you would like? And I would be happy to accept a cashier’s check.
– – –
Yes, I apologize once again for the delay. I sustained my finger injury in an embarrassing CrossFit accident. Everything seems to be back to normal now and I have also gotten almost all of the margarine out of my clothes.
“Fingernail Jell-O,” 2017
oil on linen
24 x 36 inches
“Bong School,” 2017
oil on linen
18 x 24 inches
“Mrs. Butterworth Ran Over My Dog,” 2018
oil on canvas
24 x 36 inches
Please let me know which one you would be interested in and let me know if you have any more questions.
That’s great! I’m so pleased you have chosen “Mrs. Butterworth Ran Over My Dog,” 2018, oil on canvas, 24 x 36 inches as a gift for your wife. I’m sure she will be very surprised when she sees it, and it’s actually based on a true story. I can tell you about it sometime if you’re interested.
Just one question: do you need my studio address, or my home address to send the check. Please let me know.
Where are you based, by the way? If you are in the New York area, perhaps we could meet in person?
I would like you to narrate the story behind the piece. Also get back to me with your full name, mailing address and cell phone # where the check will be mailed to. Thanks
Hi Empress, Sure, here is my studio address where you can mail the check:
cell: (XXX) XXX-XXXX
The story behind the painting happened when my family moved to Pepperidge Farm, Connecticut in 1989. It was me, my parents, my two sisters and our dog Skippy. We faced many adversities, leaving behind our previous home in Hidden Valley, California, but one of the most difficult challenges was dealing with the severe allergies of my youngest sister, Sara Lee, whose condition made it impossible for her to eat most commercially processed foods. After seeking the advice of a renowned clairvoyant in the area named Mama Leone, my parents decided to put her on a diet of fruits and vegetables and minimally processed foods.
Then one day my mother decided to try baking her some all-natural stone ground whole wheat bread with vitamins and nutrients intact. At a time when puffy, aerated white bread dominated the market, many skeptics—including our clairvoyant—didn’t think it was possible to bake nutritious bread that was also delicious. My mom proved them wrong.
It wasn’t long before her breads were gaining notoriety as the most delicious in the county. Folks were driving from far and wide for a chance to taste these wholesome loaves. Until one day in all the commotion, our neighbor, Mrs. Butterworth, ran over our dog, Skippy, so we sued her for $10,000.
I’ll let you know when I receive your check!
There’s been a mix up in the payment made out to you by my client, I was supposed to receive two separate payment one for you (the piece) and the other for my shipping agent who is also responsible for moving some of our personal effect to our Florida beach house for our wedding Anniversary from Texas, unfortunately the whole sum of these two payments was issued on one check in your name.
Once you receive the payment please deduct your total amount for the piece including before sending the overage to my shipping agent. I am sure my wife would be very surprised.
I want you to know I would have handled this differently if I was home but right now am away on work with these amazing interns and wont be back home for the next couple of weeks. Am also pressed for time to meet up with our anniversary. So kindly get back to me, courtesy demand that I ask for your help before i proceed, I’ll look forward to hearing from you. Thanks.
Sorry it took me a couple of hours to get back to you. I was at my CrossFit class and we did an AMRAP of Burpees and Squat Snatches that really kicked my butt. I almost gave up when we got to the Turkish Thrust Dumpers!
I just read your email and I didn’t realize you were writing to me from the open sea? That sounds real interesting. Are you a ship captain for a vacation cruise line? Or perhaps you are part of the onboard entertainment cast for a Broadway-style performance? I once took a cruise with Royal Caribbean and saw a lively production of a show called “Mammal Mia!” which was basically just like “Mama Mia!” except all of the characters were whales.
All that aside, I have read the rest of your email and I understand there has been a mix-up in the payment you are sending, and you will need me to relay some extra funds to a third party. This will be no problem. I talked it over with everybody in my CrossFit class and we all agree it sounds totally normal.
In the meantime, let me know if you need any more info from me and I will look forward to receiving your check.
I received your check yesterday. It’s for the wrong amount. Let me know what you would like to do.
Good to hear from you. Kindly have the check deposited in the morning and it will get cleared within 24 hours, as soon as its cleared deduct the due amount for the piece and I will provide you with the mover details where the overage will be sent to. Thank You.
OK, but I noticed the check was issued by something called “Nardone Brothers Baking Company.” What is that? Do you come from a family of bakers, too? That would be such an insane coincidence!
Wow, that’s really interesting that we both share a connection to baking! I’d love to hear more about the products your wife’s company makes at some point.
After the accident with our dog, my mom dedicated her life’s work to making baked goods especially for dogs. What she came up with looked like an Italian calzone, but it was filled with wet dog food. She called it the “Pooch Pouch” and they became so popular that soon everyone in town wanted them for their canine companions. I think some folks even fed them to their kids.
OK, I have to go to my Hip-Hop Yoga class, but I’ll deposit your check on the way.
Something terrible has happened! I was at my Yoga class, and right as I was about to do a “Happy Baby” pose, I felt a sharp pain in my lower back. After about 10 minutes of laying there, I finally decided I’d better get to the hospital, so I had someone carry me out and drive me there (that’s where I’m writing to you from). The doctor says I have Spondylolisthesiscosis! It sounds bad and I don’t even know how to pronounce it!
Thank you, Empress. I took a Doan’s Extra Strength pill for back aches so I’m feeling much better! I will remind Pepper to email you tomorrow. She gets into work at the studio around 9am. Thank you for your patience! Are you still out to sea?
Yes I deposited it on the way to my yoga class, so at least that’s taken care of. You never told me what you’re doing in the middle of the ocean, but I guess it’s not really any of my business.
New hires for what? What do you do? Sorry for all the questions. I’m really bored here in this hospital room waiting for the nurse to come back.
Oh wow. You know, Halloween is just around the corner so pretty soon you might come across a “potion engineer”or two, amirite Empress?
Good morning, Empress. I apologize for my cheesy, seasonal joke. I must have taken too many Doan’s back pain pills!
(From Pepper Mhavrych):
Jim, go back to sleep. I’ll handle this.
Hello Empress. This is Pepper and I’ll be taking care of this transaction from here. I have reviewed Jim’s emails with you and understand you sent us a check for the wrong amount. Is that correct?
How you doing today? I believed the check must have cleared to your account by now, kindly double check with your bank and get back to me ASAP so I can provide you with the movers info where the overage will be sent to. Thank You.
I’m feeling a little better now, but I still can’t walk or get out of bed yet. The doctor says I need to stay at least one more day, which is really a bummer because I was planning on attending a new Hot Pilates / Miming class today.
Pepper said she contacted you about completing the sale, but she never heard back from you. Did you get her email? I am copying her again here.
I’m so sorry to hear that and I wish you quick recovery, I did not receive any email from Pepper except you bcc her the previous email that you sent yesterday. Should I provide you with the movers Account information where the overage would be sent to ? All you have to do is to instruct her to make a Money Order deposit into the movers Bank of America account and she should provide the copy of deposit slip so I can forward it to my private mover. Thank You.
That’s so strange. Did you check your junk email folder? I know you said that some of my messages had ended up there. I would really rather have Pepper take it from here so that I can nap.
Account Name: Courage Aigbodion Eno
Bank: Bank of America
Just instruct her to make the deposit through Money Order and provide me with the copy of the deposit slip when she’s done. Try to have some rest.
(From Pepper Mhavrych):
Hello Empress, This is Pepper again. Jim gave me the info for your shipper, so I can help take care of this for you. Please let me know if you receive this message. Jim is napping.
OK, great. And I understand you need me to send the erroneous overpayment to a person named Courage Aigbodion Eno, is that correct?
OK, I will take care of that when I have finished some bookkeeping I need to do for Jim. And just to confirm, you are purchasing the painting “Mrs. Butterworth Ran Over My Dog” 2018, oil on canvas, 24 x 36 inches for $1200, is that correct?
Thanks. I will start packing it up this afternoon. Can you please let me know your shipper’s packing requirements and what date they will be here to pick it up?
Empress, today is the only day I will be able to pack up the piece as I will be away next week to attend the International Network for Studio Assistants, North East conference in Saratoga Springs. If you just tell me which shipper you are using, I can contact them to confirm their requirements. Are you using FedEx, UPS, DHL, PEE? Just let me know, thanks.
16790 NE 14th Ave
Miami, FL 33162
Oh, interesting. Well, I hope your wife likes weird-ass paintings. I will put together a cardboard crate to have it shipped in, thanks.
I will try, but I just realized we are all out of bubble wrap and the place that sells the kind Jim uses also closes at 5pm. He makes me get this organic kind that’s made from recycled pet waste and they only sell it at this stupid “all-natural” store on the other side of town. I hope you never have to work for an artist, Empress!
But I am supposed to be off all next week for the International Network for Studio Assistants, North East (INSANE) conference, remember? I will look in the trash to see if there’s anything else I can find to pack the painting with.
Empress, OMG I was digging around in the trash and I found a Post-It note that Jim had written and it said, “To do list: Fire Pepper.” It sounds like Jim is planning to fire me! Isn’t that what it sounds like to you? I am simply incensed!
(From Jim to Empress):
Hi Empress. How’s everything going? I just woke up from a long nap. Did you work everything out with Pepper?
I’ve been trying to reach her actually but she hasn’t responded to any of my emails. What was the last thing she said to you?
Oh the nurse just told me Pepper is coming up to my room now actually. I wasn’t expecting her. I’ll ask her what the status is.
(From Pepper Mhavrych to Empress):
Morning, Empress. Just thought you’d like to know that I took care of it.
What tracking number? I mean I took care of Jim. You won’t have to worry about him anymore. I’m running the show now.
He’s no longer our problem. But now we have a chance at even greater fortune now that he’s out of the picture. Empress, how much do you know about the occult?
(From Jim to Empress):
Empress, I can’t believe what has happened! I just woke up after sleeping almost all day – the doctor found me this morning and said someone had placed candles all around my bed, along with a pile of gopher guts. They were so greasy and grimy!
Gmail suggested the following replies:
“Thank you!” &
“Same to you.”
(I chose the first one)