Ghost-writing for Jake Longstreth…
Greetings,
My name is Peter Garrett from Maine. I actually observed my wife has been viewing your website on my laptop and i guess she likes your piece of work. I’m also impressed and amazed to have seen your various works too, : ) You are doing a great job.
I would like to receive further information about your piece of work and what inspires you. I am very much interested in the purchase of the piece to surprise my wife. Kindly confirm the availability for immediate sales.
Thanks and best regards,
Peter
Hi Peter,
Thank you so much for your inquiry. Your wife has excellent taste in art if I do say so myself! And I’m sure she has ok taste in husbands, too ; ) Are you thinking of purchasing some artwork for an upcoming anniversary, perhaps? Just let me know if there is a particular piece on my web site you’re interested in and I can give you the price. Hope to hear from you real soon.
Jake
Hello,
Thanks for the message, it could be any color, but medium size or large.. However, I would greatly appreciate if you could possibly recommend a few completed piece within my budget $1000- $5,000 ready for immediate sale… Just need something within that price range for a surprise to my wife (can tell she likes your work). I would appreciate if you can figure out a piece of work that would serve that purpose. Kindly email images and prices of any available works in that range.
Thanks and blessing
Hello Peter,
How exciting! I am honored you will be surprising your wife with one of my paintings. If you don’t mind my asking, what is your wife’s first name? It will help me choose a piece to present to you.
Best wishes,
Jake
Thanks for your response Jake.. My wife’s first name is Bonnie and i hope you find a lovely and adorable painting for her 🙂 Thanks and looking forward to hear back from you!
Good morning, Peter. I think I have found just the right piece from my web site for your wife, Bonnie: “Aerobics Baby with Ducks,” 2016, oil on canvas, 34 x 40 inches. The price is $2,400 plus shipping. Let me know what you think. I hope you had a wonderful National Waffle Iron Day!
Best,
Jake
Dear Jake,
Thanks for the message .. I must tell you I intend to give my wife a surprise with the immediate purchase of the piece. Also If you’d like to know, I’m relocating to the Philippines soon and our wedding anniversary is fast approaching. So I’m trying to gather some good stuff to make this event a surprise one..
I’m okay with the price (“Aerobics Baby with Ducks,” 2016, oil on canvas, 34 x 40 inches $2400) I think it’s worth it anyway, so I’ll be sending a check. As regarding shipping, you don’t have to worry about that in order not to leave any clue to my wife for the surprise. as soon as you receive and cash the check, my shipping agent (who is also moving my personal effect) will contact you to arrange pick-up.
I would have come to purchase the piece myself but, at the moment, am on training voyage to the North Atlantic Ocean (I’m an ocean engineer) with new hires who are fresh from graduate school and won’t be back for another couple of weeks.
Regards..
PS: In the meantime, kindly get back to me with your full name (you want the check payable to) cell phone no. and contact address (preferably for USPS OR UPS not P.O box) where a check can be mailed to so I can get the check prepared and have it mailed out to you right away.
Peter
Hi Peter,
Wow, I didn’t know they even had the internet out in the middle of the ocean! I hope you don’t get sea sick, haha. The last time I was on a boat I lost my lunch over the side and then a pelican ate it – yuck!
I just have one question for you. Do you need my studio address or my home address for the check? I’ll get the info to you ASAP!
Best,
Jake
Thanks for your response Jake, either of the two address will be fine as long as you can receive the check and also the check can be deliverable to the address its fine..
Do get back to me with the info needed for the payment soon.. Thank you!
Hello Peter,
I’m so sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I’ve been dealing with an absolute fiasco! I was riding home in an Uber with the painting you wanted (“Aerobics Baby with Ducks” 2016, oil on canvas), but just as I was about to fetch it from the back, the driver took off!
I called the company immediately, and after I described the vehicle they told me it was not an authorized Uber driver at all, and that Uber vehicles do not have the words “Mister Softee” painted on the side. I should have realized something was wrong by the way he kept pulling over every time he saw a group of kids.
Peter, do not worry – I have filed a police report and I am determined to get the painting back so that you don’t disappoint Bonnie on your anniversary. You have my promise! I’ll get back to you as soon as I know more.
Warmly,
Jake
Am sorry to hear that Jake i”ll be waiting for your email and i hope you find the painting. Thank you!
Thank you, Peter. I am very sorry for the inconvenience, and I take full responsibility! The good news is that I was reimbursed by Uber for the cost of the ride and I also received a voucher for a complimentary “Nutty Buddy.”
I am still working with the LAPD to find my painting (“Aerobics Baby with Ducks” 2016, oil on canvas), but they are closed for the holiday weekend, so it will be a few days before any progress is made. Ugh.
I really hate to keep you and Bonnie waiting. Would you be interested in another painting of the same size and style, perhaps? For example, “Fingernail Confetti Confection” 2016, oil on canvas, 34 x 40 inches is basically almost exactly the same, except it has a Rastafarian banana wearing sunglasses in the upper left hand corner. The price is the same – $2,400 USD.
Let me know if you would like to purchase that one instead, and I promise to be more careful this time!
Best,
Jake
You can email the image of the painting then we can go from there if am interested in that instead.. Thank you!
Hi Peter,
I haven’t photographed that one yet, but I was just about to write to you with great news! I’ve tracked down the original painting you wanted, “Aerobics Baby with Ducks” 2016, oil on canvas! I’ll give you the whole story later, but I wanted to go ahead and send you my address so we can move forward with the sale:
Jake Longstreth
fake address
fake address
fake phone number
Hope you have a happy 4th of July at sea! Are you going to have fireworks? Maybe you can at least light a flare or something.
Dear Jake,
Thanks for the details which I’ve noted down, My wife handles the family credit card/bank issues, and in order not to leave any clue to her for the surprise, I’ve contacted a client of mine to issue out a check which will include my shipping agent fees to you, but courtesy demand i must first appeal to your self interest and ask for your help in remitting the overage (after deducting your fee for the piece) to the shipping agent as soon as the check clears.
I would have handled this much differently if I’d been at home but am a bit pressed for time as our anniversary is fast approaching and do not have access to a lot of cash over here to expedite this transaction…. trying to kill two birds with a stone.
Kindly deduct any IRS tax incurred on the overage before giving the balance the shipping agent. they are not sending any bill or hold you responsible for the payment of my shipping contract with them. I am really sorry for the mix up and will appreciate if you get back to me asap to know if i can entrust you with this transaction.
Many thanks and so happy you were able to get the painting back.. I await your response.
Dear Peter,
I’ve talked it over with my studio assistant, Bernice, and we think this arrangement sounds fine and totally normal. So yes, you can count on me to help you keep the surprise for Bonnie! We will be looking out for the check.
In the mean time, I am going out to retrieve my painting. You know what they say: “A bird with hands is worth two with a bush.”
Bernice will be answering my emails while I am out. Please direct any of your pressing questions to Bernice.
Best,
Jake
Thanks Jake, will update you with the payment process.. Regards ad God bless!
Hi Peter. This is Bernice, Jake’s studio assistant. Jake has gone out to confiscate the painting but he asked me to thank you for your update.
Take care,
Bernice
Hi Bernice, how are you doing and hope Jake has been able to receive the painting? The check has been mailed out already and will get back to you with the tracking number asap.. Thanks and blessings!
Hello Peter. I’m fine. Thank you for asking. Except Jake has been having me pose for a new painting he is working on and I’m getting really tired from all the aerobics.
Jake said he is going to email you soon with an update on the painting for your wife.
Have a nice day.
Bernice
Alright thanks Bernice..
Hi Peter,
This is Jake again. I’ve been out all day conducting my investigation. The painting you’re buying, “Aerobics Baby with Ducks” 2016, oil on canvas, is currently hanging in an art gallery in Culver City. A friend tipped me off when he passed by and saw it through the window.
I decided to get to the bottom of it, myself, since the police aren’t any help, so I put on a wig and a fat suit and went inside with a tape recorder and a microphone disguised as an ice cream cone.
The lady running the gallery said a guy dressed like a soda jerk sold her the painting and told her it was done by an artist named Klondike Sprinkles. Can you believe that? I guess the driver of that Mister Softee truck thought he could make some fast cash by selling my art. What an actual jerk!
I asked if I might have the chance to meet Mr. Sprinkles in person, and she told me there is a reception for the artist on Wednesday. I’m going to show up and confront the imposter, myself, and then I’ll grab the painting once I’ve proven it’s mine. I will notify you right away once I’ve carried out my plan… wish me luck!
Hello Jake,
How are you doing and good to know you are working on getting the painting.. I already have the tracking number for the check but my client just informed me about a little problem with the amount on the check sent to you cos my shipping agent fees was not included on the check according to our agreement but i will figure out a way with my client and get back to you on that soon.
Here is the tracking number for the package (9470101699320024530971) and you can easily track it via http://www.usps.com to know when exactly it will be delivered to you.. I need you to email me immediately you receive the check so i can instruct you on what to do further and how we would go about it.. Thanks and i await your response!
Hi Peter,
OK, I will keep an eye out for your check, although there is a lot going on today. The reception for Klondike Sprinkles is tonight and I need to be at the gallery to confront him. I’m going to be doing push-ups for the next 2 hours.
Also, Bernice is off today because she went to the Orange County Cheese Festival this morning and was bitten by a cow. Peter, between you and me, sometimes I just don’t know about Bernice.
Hello Jake, am sorry to hear about what happened to Bernice i hope she gets well soon.. Also the check is out for delivery please be on the look out so you can receive it and email me immediately for further instructions cos i already figured out a way with my client regarding the mistake that occurred.. I await your response soon.. Thanks!
You know, I never really liked Bernice. I once asked her to deliver my application for an NEA grant and she “accidentally” dropped it into the East River.
I will look out for your check until it’s time for me to go to the gallery reception. If you don’t hear from me, that’s where I am. I’m ready to turn Klondike Sprinkles into a banana split!!
That sounds funny Jake, just let me know immediately you receive the check so I can instruct you on what to do next.. Thanks and good luck with your search for the painting I hope it all turns out fine.. Regards!
Hi Peter. This is Bernice again. Jake is at the art gallery so I am handling his emails. I have your check.
Bernice
Thanks for your response Bernice, will want you to have the check deposited today in which the check will cleared overnight.. I had a conversation with Jake yesterday about a mistake been made on the payment cos my shipping agent fee was not included on the check as agreed earlier with Jake am really sorry about that.. However, i figured out a way with my client and he has already mailed out another check in the amount of $2400 for the painting am purchasing.
So as it is now, will want you to have the check with you deposited today so that you can have my shipping agents funds transferred tomorrow so they can contact you to coordinate pick up with you by Saturday unfailingly cos i don’t want any sort of delay with the pick up and i hope you understand my concern?
Please do email me back as soon as the check is deposited today so i can provide you with the shipping agent information to transfer the funds to.. I will get back to you with the tracking number of the check coming for the painting as soon as i have it i await your response soon.. Thanks and God bless!
Hello Peter,
I don’t know what you’re talking about. Also, Jake never came back from the gallery last night, so you’re dealing with Bernice now. God bless!
Bernice
Okay Bernice, the check you have with you there was a mistake on it, my shipping agent fees was not included just as i agreed with Jake and have contacted my client to mail out another check to cover up for the painting am purchasing from Jake.. The check you are having with you now will cover up for the shipping fees my agent will need in picking up the painting and my other properties and i want you to have it deposited today so we can coordinate pick up and will get back to you with the tracking number of the new check coming for the painting I hope you understand now?
Oh, I understand. I understand completely. But there’s been a change of plans. It’s safe to say that Jake is now out of the picture, so Bernice is running the show now. I’m in charge.
Sounds good how soon will you be depositing the check today?
That is no longer of concern to you.
What do you mean Bernice?
I need to know every update on the check so what do you mean it is no longer of concern to me??
Like I said, I’m running the show now. Have you ever heard of the planet Bovitron?
Are you trying to play pranks with me? I need you to have Jake contact me cos am dealing with him from the start don’t wanna talk to you anymore about this, Have Jake contact me right away!!!!!!!!
Well, Peter, as it turns out, Jake is the main ingredient in my new ice cream flavor recipe: Longstreth Chocolate Swirl. My co-confectioner Klondike Sprinkles and I will be loading him into our spacecraft with the other flavors we have created here on Earth, and returning to Bovitron, our home planet. It’s a planet made entirely of ice cream. And thanks to your financial assistance, we have almost completed construction. Bye-Bye!
– – –
Hi Mr. Garrett, This is Jake Longstreth. I just found out that someone hacked into my email account and has been writing to you for weeks, pretending to be me. I am sorry for the inconvenience. I don’t even have a studio assistant named Bernice.
Best regards,
Jake
OMG!! This doesn’t make any sense I already mail out the check and it has been delivered to you already do you the check with you?? I hope the check hasn’t been delivered to the wrong hands? Sorry. I never received a check from anyone so I’m not sure what to tell you. Take care. Are you trying to play pranks with me Jake? The check was sent to the address you gave me so what the hell are you talking about? Its better you figure out a way to find out about the check cos it has already been delivered to your address and get back to me.
As I told you, Mr. Garrett, my email has been hacked and I never had any contact with you before today. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I guess the lesson here is that there are a lot of scammers out there on the interwebs so you gotta be real careful. Have a fantastic day.
Dear Scammer... 